quote by Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

— Anthony Jeselnik

Authentic boyfriend and girlfriend quotes that are about best girlfriend

Life without you is like a broken pencil, there's no point.


My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident.

Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

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I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you ever could just by pressing her follow button.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut.

I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

The average person is either a weakling, or just a happy person who wants to get along, or thinks being tough is having big muscles and strutting around town and having a good-looking girlfriend.


I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

When your ex says ‘You’ll never find anyone like me’. Say ‘that’s the point’.


I want to fall in love, I think. I've never. I know. Everyone I know's been in love or in relationships now and... There's only ever been... there's been people telling me they love me, but it freaks me out and I just run, run. I think I'm a bad girlfriend.

I say 'cuz' around Bloods, and I say 'blood' around Crips.

..I'm twisted. Got Mary, got Lucy, got Molly: that's wifey, girlfriend and mistress.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

You are the best thing that's ever been mine.


I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

My bed isn't made, I'm tired, I haven't slept well for two weeks.

I haven't been laid in a month. I don't have a girlfriend. I have a warrant for my arrest.

You know, the man of my dreams might walk round the corner tomorrow.

I'm older and wiser and I think I'd make a great girlfriend. I live in the realm of romantic possibility.

We are constantly protecting the male ego, and it's a disservice to men.

If a man has any sensitivity or intelligence, he wants to get the straight scoop from his girlfriend.

Personally, I don't like a girlfriend to have a husband.

If she'll fool her husband, I figure she'll fool me.


If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

I have said nothing because there is nothing I can say that would describe how I feel as perfectly as you deserve it.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Domestic Girlfriend - Domestic Girlfriend (Japanese: ドメスティックな彼女, Hepburn: Domesutikku na Kanojo) is a Japanese shōnen manga series written and illustrated by Kei Sasuga. It

Rent-A-Girlfriend - Rent-A-Girlfriend (彼女、お借りします, Kanojo, Okarishimasu) is a Japanese manga series written and illustrated by Reiji Miyajima. The series began serialization

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is an American romantic musical comedy-drama television series that premiered on October 12, 2015 on The CW and ran for four seasons

The Girlfriend Experience - The Girlfriend Experience is a 2009 American slice of life drama film directed by Steven Soderbergh and starring pornographic actress Sasha Grey. It was

Half Girlfriend - Half Girlfriend is an Indian English coming of age, young adult romance novel by Indian author Chetan Bhagat. The novel, set in rural Bihar, New Delhi

Half Girlfriend (film) - Half Girlfriend is an Indian Hindi-language romantic drama film based on the novel of the same name written by Chetan Bhagat. The film is directed by Mohit

China Rich Girlfriend - China Rich Girlfriend is a satirical 2015 romantic comedy novel by Kevin Kwan. It is the sequel to Crazy Rich Asians, a novel about the wealthy Singapore

The Girlfriend Experience (TV series) - The Girlfriend Experience is an American anthology drama television series created, written, and directed by Lodge Kerrigan and Amy Seimetz and airing

My Girlfriend Is a Gumiho - My Girlfriend Is a Gumiho (Korean: 내 여자친구는 구미호; Hanja: 내 女子親舊는 九尾狐; RR: Nae Yeojachinguneun Gumiho; also known as My Girlfriend Is a Nine-Tailed Fox) is


We're getting ready to take over the world. My group of girlfriends - we're renegades.

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship.

I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone.

Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

My girlfriend tells me if I'm doing a movie I'm a roller coaster of emotions all the time, but on "Boardwalk," because I've done it for so long and I'm so in tune with the character, she says I'm pretty happy most of the time.


My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

I did an interview once where I was asked who I found attractive and I went on about cartoons and Nala from 'The Lion King' - and it's a bit weird but various of my ex-girlfriends actually did look like Nala.

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.