Old age is the time when birthday candles cost more than the birthday cake itself, and half of your urine is wasted on medical testing. — Faina Ranevskaya
Old age, believe me, is a good and pleasant thing. It is true you are gently shouldered off the stage, but then you are given such a comfortable front stall as spectator. — Jane Harrison
Life begins at 40 -- but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. — William Feather
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. — Helen Rowland
Life begins at forty, but so does arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person. — Sam Levenson
Say what you want about aging,
it's still the only way to have old friends. — Robert Breault
To me -- old age is always ten years older than I am. — Andre B. Buruch
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different. — C. S. Lewis
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. — Dorothy Parker
Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.
At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all. — Ann Landers
Careful grooming may take twenty years off a woman's age, but you can't fool a flight of stairs. — Marlene Dietrich
He who is of a calm and happy nature, will hardly feel the pressure of age — Plato
Every time you find some humor in a difficult situation, you win.
Too many people, when they get old, think that they have to live by the calendar. — John Glenn
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. — Arthur Schopenhauer
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. — Phyllis Diller
Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. — Ogden Nash
Old Age Quotes
Travel is a caprice in childhood, a passion in youth, a necessity in manhood, and an elegy in old age. — Jose Rizal
Though much is taken, much abides; and though We are not now that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are; One equal temper of heroic hearts, Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield. — Alfred Lord Tennyson
Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, and dreams are forever.
The ultimate self is free from sin, free from old age, free from death and grief, free from hunger and thirst, which desires nothing and imagines nothing. — Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan
Physical fitness is the first requisite of happiness. In order to achieve happiness, it is imperative to gain mastery of your body. If at the age of 30 you are stiff and out of shape, you are old. If at 60 you are supple and strong then you are young. — Joseph Pilates
Every time you are able to find some humor in a difficult situation, you win.
Relish love in your old age! Aged love is like aged wine; it becomes more satisfying, more refreshing, more valuable, more appreciated and more intoxicating! — Leo Buscaglia
In the City of Death, there is pitch darkness and huge clouds of dust, neither sister nor brother is there. This body is frail, old age is overtaking it. — Guru Gobind Singh
We turn not older with years but newer every day. — Emily Dickinson
The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which mean never losing your enthusiasm. — Aldous Huxley
Retirement Jokes Quotes
When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. — R. C. Sherriff
Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. — Jonathan Clements
Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. — Gene Perret
If you want something new, you have to stop doing something old.
I was thinking Im going to die but I'm not going to tap — Lyoto Machida
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. — Laurence J. Peter
Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I'm home - forever." — Gene Perret
When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life
I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. — Gene Perret
Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. — Malcolm Forbes
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire! — Groucho Marx
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. — Joan Rivers
Getting Old Quotes
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands. — Anthony Jeselnik
I used to hate old-timers who didn't praise the younger wrestlers, but you've got to pass the torch sometime. If you're old, that torch gets too heavy for you and you can't carry it, so it won't do you any good. — Randy Savage
The hard thing when you get old is to keep your horizons open. The first part of your life everything is in front of you, all your potential and promise. But over the years, you make decisions; you carve yourself into a given shape. Then the challenge is to keep discovering the green growing edge. — Howard Thurman
Keep recognizing that reality is changing and that your ideas have to change. Don’t get stuck in old ideas. — Grace Lee Boggs
People still stereotype all day long. But if you forget your own age, you'll get so focused on the business that you become ultra-confident and people will forget to question how old you are. — Gurbaksh Chahal
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. — George Burns
There's an old expression about falling off a horse. You get back on and you ride that bad boy into town. — Brock Lesnar
I am not Christ or a philanthropist, old lady, I am all the contrary of a Christ I fight for the things I believe in, with all the weapons at my disposal and try to leave the other man dead so that I don't get nailed to a cross or any other place. — Che Guevara
I want to get old gracefully. I want to have good posture, I want to be healthy and be an example to my children. — Sting
Old Jokes Quotes
There is an old joke that went around- it goes, in the beginning God made man in His own image, and since the fall, man has been seeking to return the compliment. — Alistair Begg
Death's an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew. — Ivan Turgenev
Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost. — Ken Dodd
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work. — Hy Gardner
Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation. — Jack Benny
You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave. — Dylan Brody
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. — Steven Wright
I'm pretty goofy and I make a lot of dumb jokes - life is too short to be serious, so I guess that's how I flirt. To be honest, I think I'm too shy and reserved to be a proper old fashioned flirt. — Cory Monteith
It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than trying to make the English laugh. — Malcolm Muggeridge
The most consistent characteristic of awakened teachers and people I have met is a childlike nature. They laugh, cry, twinkle, and joke, all with a spontaneity born of freedom. Their faces are fluid and reflect a timeless sweetness, even into old age. — Catherine Ingram
Old Person Quotes
If Copenhagen were a person, that person would be generous, beautiful, elderly, but with a flair. A human being that has certain propensities for quarrelling, filled with imagination and with appetite for the new and with respect for the old - somebody who takes good care of things and of people. — Connie Nielsen
If you want to change attitudes, start with a change in behavior. In other words, begin to act the part, as well as you can, of the person you would rather be, the person you most want to become. Gradually, the old, fearful person will fade away. — William Glasser
I liked how 'Star Wars' felt both old and new. — Akira Toriyama
We feel guilt when we no longer want to associate with old friends and colleagues who haven’t changed. — Naval Ravikant
All of us every single year, we're a different person. I don't think we're the same person all our lives. — Steven Spielberg
J’aurais dû être plus gentille—I should have been more kind. That is something a person will never regret. You will never say to yourself when you are old, Ah, I wish I was not good to that person. You will never think that. — Khaled Hosseini
Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young. — Theodore Roosevelt
I had a series of childhood illnesses... scarlet fever.... pneumonia.... Polio. I walked with braces until I was at least nine years old. My life wasn't like the average person who grew up and decided to enter the world of sports. — Wilma Rudolph
That person who is the hardest to forgive is the one who can teach you the greatest lessons. When you love yourself enough to rise above the old situation, then understanding and forgiveness will be easy. And you'll be free. — Louise Hay
Say goodbye to the age-old stereotypes of seduction. Seductive, but not a seductress, a woman wears a scent to reveal her personality. — Paco Rabanne
Old People Quotes
Anyone can practice. Young man can practice. Old man can practice. Very old man can practice. Man who is sick, he can practice. Man who doesn't have strength can practice. Except lazy people; lazy people can't practice Ashtanga yoga. — K. Pattabhi Jois
A test of a people is how it behaves toward the old. It is easy to love children. Even tyrants and dictators make a point of being fond of children. But the affection and care for the old, the incurable, the helpless are the true gold mines of a culture. — Abraham Joshua Heschel
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. — Sigmund Freud
Fascism was an explosion against intolerable conditions, against remediable wrongs which the old world failed to remedy. It was a movement to secure national renaissance by people who felt themselves threatened with decline into decadence and death and were determined to live, and live greatly. — Oswald Mosley
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people. — Abraham Joshua Heschel
The value of life is not in its duration, but in its donation. You are not important because of how long you live, you are important because of how effective you live. And most people are concerned about growing old rather than being effective. — Myles Munroe
I cannot lead you into battle. I do not give you laws or administer justice but I can do something else - I can give my heart and my devotion to these old islands and to all the peoples of our brotherhood of nations. — Elizabeth II
Power is not brute force and money; power is in your spirit. Power is in your soul. It is what your ancestors, your old people gave you. Power is in the earth; it is in your relationship to the earth. — Winona LaDuke
A lot of people, black, white, mexican, young or old, fat or skinny have a problem being true to they self. They have a problem looking in the mirror and looking directly into their own souls. Only reason I am who I am today is because I can look directly into my face and find my soul — Tupac Shakur
A dog reflects the family life. Whoever saw a frisky dog in a gloomy family, or a sad dog in a happy one? Snarling people have snarling dogs, dangerous people have dangerous ones. — Arthur Conan Doyle
Respect Old Age Quotes
The best security for old age: respect your children. — Sholem Asch
One's sense of honor is the only thing that does not grow old, and the last pleasure, when one is worn out with age, is not, as the poet said, making money, but having the respect of one's fellow men. — Thucydides
Politicians, old buildings, and prostitutes become respectable with age. — Mark Twain
Is suffering so very serious? ...I'm referring to the kind of suffering a man inflicts on a woman or a woman on a man. It's extremely painful... hardly bearable. But I very much fear that this sort of pain... is no more worthy of respect than old age or illness. — Sidonie Gabrielle Colette
In this respect early youth is exactly like old age; it is a time of waiting for a big trip to an unknown destination. The chief difference is that youth waits for the morning limited and age waits for the night train — Bruce Catton
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect. — George Burns
Wine is a living liquid containing no preservatives. Its life cycle comprises youth, maturity, old age, and death. When not treated with reasonable respect it will sicken and die. — Julia Child
I look at my career and I feel I have the potential to maybe mature into a Samuel Jackson-type older cat, and people will still respect me and say 'Yo, Ice-T was wild', into my old age. And why not? I don't necessarily think I'll be rapping in 10 years. — Ice T
You aren’t old enough to have such regrets.” “Pain doesn’t respect age, my lady. — Sherrilyn Kenyon
Old age adds to the respect due to virtue, but it takes nothing from the contempt inspired by vice; it whitens only the hair. — J. P. Senn
Birthday Humor Quotes
Your True Nature Is Love. There's Nothing You Can Do About It. — Byron Katie
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. — Steven Wright
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get. — Jim Davis
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. — Will Rogers
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. — Johnny Carson
If you're not getting older, you're dead. — Tom Petty
Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. — C. E. M. Joad
The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet. — Robert Orben
At 50, don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. Happy 50th birthday. — H. H. Asquith
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. — Herbert V. Prochnow
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you. — Doug Stanhope
You are never too old to become younger! — Mae West
Old age is fifteen years older than I am. — Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them. — Hippocrates
Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains. — Winston Churchill
If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes. — Euripides
I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it. — Eva Gabor
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. — John Wagner
They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much. — Malcolm Cowley
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. — Phyllis Diller
Of late I appear To have reached that stage When people who look old Who are only my age. — Richard Armour
If you want to look young and thin on your birthday. Hang around a bunch of old fat people. — Anthony
You've heard of the three ages of man - youth, age, and you are looking wonderful. — Francis Spellman
It is perhaps life's greatest accomplishment to live to old age, maintaining one's wits, one's sense of humor, one's health, and one's charm. — Yehudi Menuhin
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two. — Red Skelton
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age. — Robert Orben
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. — George Burns
A man's liberal and conservative phases seem to follow each other in a succession of waves from the time he is born. Children are radicals. Youths are conservatives, with a dash of criminal negligence. Men in their prime are liberals (as long as their digestion keeps pace with their intellect). The middle aged run to shelter: they insure their life, draft a will, accumulate mementos and occasional tables, and hope for security. And then comes old age, which repeats childhood -- a time full of humors and sadness, but often full of courage and even prophecy. — E.B. (Elwyn Brooks) White
I am now of all humors that have showed themselves humors
since the old days of goodman Adam to the pupil age of this
present twelve o'clock at midnight. — William Shakespeare
We old roosters must be cautious. Don't try to outwit your arteries. — S. J. Perelman
Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday. — Jeff Foxworthy
In Conclusion
Which quotation resonated with you best? Did you enjoy our collection of old age humor quotes? Or may be you have a slogan about old age humor to suggest. Let us know using our contact form.
Citation
Feel free to cite and use any of the quotes in this collection of old age humor quotations. For popular citation styles(APA, Chicago, MLA), please use this citation page.
