Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. — Oscar Wilde
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open. — George Bernard Shaw
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. — Ambrose Bierce
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. — Emo Philips
We simply can't abandon ship every time we encounter a storm in our marriage. Real love is about weathering the storms of life together.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? — George Carlin
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. — George Carlin
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? — George Carlin
God created sex. Priests created marriage. — Voltaire
Very Witty Quotes
The superfluous, a very necessary thing. — Voltaire
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. — George Carlin
Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. If makes it feel needed. — Charles M. Schulz
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through. — Rodney Dangerfield
I was brought up by very witty people who were dealing with quite difficult things: disease and death... I was brought up by people who tended to giggle at funerals. — Emma Thompson
They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much. — Malcolm Cowley
The voice of Thich Nhat Hanh-friendly, patient, steadfast, confident, contemporary, and often witty-seems, to me, an intermediary big brother talking directly to me on every page saying, 'Look! It's right there in you,' the very wisdom that leads to compassion. — Sylvia Boorstein
Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. — William Congreve
There are three estates in Parliament but in the Reporters' Gallery yonder there sits a Fourth Estate more important far than they all. It is not a figure of speech or witty saying, it is a literal fact, very momentous to us in these times. — Edmund Burke
I don't think there's any harm at all in allowing a kid to fantasize. In fact, I think to stop people from fantasizing is a very destructive thing indeed. — J. K. Rowling
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway. — Albert Einstein
I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long. — Paula Poundstone
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up — Paul Keating
The present generation, wearied by its chimerical efforts, relapses into complete indolence. Its condition is that of a man who has only fallen asleep towards morning: first of all come great dreams, then a feeling of laziness, and finally a witty or clever excuse for remaining in bed. — Soren Kierkegaard
Nixon's motto was, if two wrongs don't make a right, try three. — Norman Cousins
Now it's virtually impossible to write a game that successfully provides challenge and frustration, and that's a shame. We are going to lose something that makes scientists, that makes doers, that makes hard-minded, witty, clever people, and I worry that those people aren't being made these days. — Patrick Rothfuss
Clever, witty and absorbing, Amortality is a much-needed anatomy of our profound malaise about ageing. Its charms will never fade. — David Baddiel
A father may have a child who is ugly and lacking in all the graces, and the love he feels for him puts a blindfold over his eyes so that he does not see his defects but considers them signs of charm and intelligence and recounts them to his friends as if they were clever and witty. — Miguel de Cervantes
Pickup lines never work...I think someone clever, witty and funny is very attractive. — Kate Upton
Marriage Humor Quotes
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. — Lewis Grizzard
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. — Albert Einstein
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. — Jay Leno
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. — Johnny Carson
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always — Red Skelton
All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex. — Bill Maher
Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it. — Helen Rowland
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. — Stephen Hawking
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen. — Red Skelton
Witty Sayings Quotes
It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time. — Honore de Balzac
My contributions were many: First clown director, with witty sayings and flashily dressed, now called master of ceremonies. — Jelly Roll Morton
I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited. — Oscar Wilde
I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored. — Louis C. K.
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them. — Dorothy Parker
All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought — Robert Breault
My music is basically all about witty punchlines and lyric progression that is aimed to make you laugh or say "Woah." — Mike Stud
Given a choice between hearing my daughter say "I'm pregnant" or "I used a condom", most mothers would get up in the middle of the night and buy them herself. — Joycelyn Elders
A word of kindness is seldom spoken in vain, while witty sayings are as easily lost as the pearls slipping from a broken string. — George D. Prentice
Wit And Humor Quotes
My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical. — Tim Heidecker
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit. — Aristotle
The first ingredient in conversation is truth, the next good sense, the third good humor, and the fourth wit. — Sir William Temple
I believe disagreement is an art. It requires care. It requires skills, it requires compassion and respect. When there’s underlying respect you get to play, there’s humor, there’s wit. Ultimately you arrive at something profound as a result. — Lex Fridman
My coping mechanism with my dyslexia is to use wit and humor. — Max Brooks
In conversation, humor is worth more than wit and easiness more than knowledge. — George Herbert
Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin. — James Thurber
Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation. — Jacques Barzun
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. — Oscar Wilde
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx
Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. — Madeleine de Scudery
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers. — Richard Pryor
Marriage is not a joke. It is not like food that you can spit out when it is too hot to chew. —
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. — Herbert V. Prochnow
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and halfway closed there after. — James Dobson
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman
according to the old joke, married people are often like little boys bathing, who cry with chattering teeth to the boys on the shore, 'Do come in, it's so warm' - it is not always warm. — Dinah Maria Murlock Craik
Witticism Quotes
Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke. — Ambrose Bierce
Between the action sequences, the pleasure lies in observing impeccably dressed Brits exchanging barbed witticisms - making it, basically, Downton Abbey with cyber crime and shower sex. — Karina Longworth
I have just now come from a party where I was its life and soul; witticisms streamed from my lips, everyone laughed and admired me, but I went away - yes, the dash should be as long as the radius of the earth's orbit ——————————— and wanted to shoot myself. — Soren Kierkegaard
Of all failures, to fail in a witticism is the worst, and the mishap is the more calamitous in a drawn-out and detailed one — Walter Savage Landor
A man often runs the risk of throwing away a witticism if he admits that it is his own. — Jean De La Bruyere
An epigram is a flashlight of a truth; a witticism, truth laughing at itself. — Minna Antrim
Genuine witticisms surprise those who say them as much as those who listen to them; they arise in us in spite of us, or, at least, without our participation,--like everything inspired. — Joseph Joubert
Witticisms please as long as we keep them within boundaries, but pushed to excess they cause offense. — Phaedrus
People who make puns are like wanton boys that put coppers on the railroad tracks. They amuse themselves and other children, but their little trick may upset a freight train of conversation for the sake of a battered witticism. — Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
As H.L. Mencken once said, 'nobody ever when broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.' Our show [All in the Family] countered that witticism. I think he was wrong. — Norman Lear
Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce. — Larry Gelbart
A witty vicar once said that a good marriage is like a pair of scissors with the couple inseparable joined, often moving in opposite directions, yet always destroying anyone who comes between them. The trick is for the blades to learn to work smoothly together, so as not to cut each other. — Mary Jo Putney
My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce. — Joyce Brothers
Nice people don't necessarily fall in love with nice people. — Jonathan Franzen
All tragedies are finished by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage. — Lord Byron
The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one. — Rita Rudner
Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight. — Georg C. Lichtenberg
Men are my hobby, if I ever got married I'd have to give it up. — Mae West
Well, you know, the definition of second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. — George Will
So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three. — Alexandre Dumas
Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live. — Mignon McLaughlin
What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures. — Mignon McLaughlin
The triumph of hope over experience. — Samuel Johnson
Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk. — Mignon McLaughlin
Grave authors say, and witty poets sing, That honest wedlock is a glorious thing. — Alexander Pope
The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do. — H. L. Mencken
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. — Joan Rivers
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. — William J. Clinton
In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do. — Joan Didion
As marriage produces children, so children produce care and disputes; and wrangling. — Mary Wortley Montagu
Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one. — Mae West
In Conclusion
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