I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. — Emo Philips
You have the power to say - This is not how my story will end.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? — George Carlin
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. — George Carlin
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? — George Carlin
God created sex. Priests created marriage. — Voltaire
Very Witty Quotes
The superfluous, a very necessary thing. — Voltaire
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. — George Carlin
Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. If makes it feel needed. — Charles M. Schulz
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through. — Rodney Dangerfield
I was brought up by very witty people who were dealing with quite difficult things: disease and death... I was brought up by people who tended to giggle at funerals. — Emma Thompson
They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much. — Malcolm Cowley
Learn to say No without explaining yourself.
The voice of Thich Nhat Hanh-friendly, patient, steadfast, confident, contemporary, and often witty-seems, to me, an intermediary big brother talking directly to me on every page saying, 'Look! It's right there in you,' the very wisdom that leads to compassion. — Sylvia Boorstein
Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. — William Congreve
There are three estates in Parliament but in the Reporters' Gallery yonder there sits a Fourth Estate more important far than they all. It is not a figure of speech or witty saying, it is a literal fact, very momentous to us in these times. — Edmund Burke
I don't think there's any harm at all in allowing a kid to fantasize. In fact, I think to stop people from fantasizing is a very destructive thing indeed. — J. K. Rowling
Wise Sayings Quotes
A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her. — Helen Rowland
A wise man speaks because he has something to say; a fool because he has to say something. — Plato
A wise quote can only change a wise man! Therefore, wise sayings are for the wise men, not for the fools! The sunflowers turn their face toward the Sun, the fools, toward the darkness! — Mehmet Murat Ildan
When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.
I once heard a wise man say there are no perfect men. Only perfect intentions. — Morgan Freeman
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. — Plato
Hate and fear breed a poison in the blood, which if continued, affects eyes, ears, nose and the organs of digestion. Therefore, it is not wise to hear and remember the unkind things others might say about you. — Pythagoras
When a pure devotee or spiritual master speak, what he says should be accepted as having been directly spoken by the Supreme Personality of Godhead in the Parampara System. — A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada
Sometimes it's the words we choose not to say that speak most loudly about our character. — Lysa TerKeurst
A fool has to say something. A wise person has something to say. — African Proverbs
Your capacity to say "No" determines your capacity to say "Yes" to greater things. — E. Stanley Jones
Wit And Humor Quotes
My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical. — Tim Heidecker
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit. — Aristotle
The first ingredient in conversation is truth, the next good sense, the third good humor, and the fourth wit. — Sir William Temple
I believe disagreement is an art. It requires care. It requires skills, it requires compassion and respect. When there’s underlying respect you get to play, there’s humor, there’s wit. Ultimately you arrive at something profound as a result. — Lex Fridman
My coping mechanism with my dyslexia is to use wit and humor. — Max Brooks
In conversation, humor is worth more than wit and easiness more than knowledge. — George Herbert
Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin. — James Thurber
Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation. — Jacques Barzun
There is no such thing as an acceptable level of unemployment, because hunger is not acceptable, poverty is not acceptable, poor health is not acceptable, and a ruined life is not acceptable. — Hubert H. Humphrey
A warrior considers himself already dead, so there is nothing to lose. The worst has already happened to him, therefore he's clear and calm; judging him by his acts or by his words, one would never suspect that he has witnessed everything. — Carlos Castaneda
Anonymity is an abused privilege, abused most by people who mistake vitriol for wisdom and cynicism for wit. — Danny Wallace
When we say, 'One nation under God, with liberty and justice for all', we are talking about all people. We either ought to believe it or quit saying it . — Hubert H. Humphrey
For the May Day is the great day,
Sung along the old straight track.
And those who ancient lines did ley
Will heed this song that calls them back...
Pass the cup, and pass the Lady,
And pass the plate to all who hunger,
Pass the wit of ancient wisdom,
Pass the cup of crimson wonder. — Jethro Tull
Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel. — Yogi Berra
I have read my books by many lights, hoarding their beauty, their wit or wisdom against the dark days when I would have no book, nor a place to read. I have known hunger of the belly kind many times over, but I have known a worse hunger: the need to know and to learn. — Louis L'Amour
The old grooves must be erased in your brain, without forming new ones. You must realize yourself as the immovable, behind and beyond the movable, the silent witness of all that happens. — Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
We cannot use a double standard for measuring our own and other people's policies. Our demands for democratic practices in other lands will be no more effective than the guarantees of those practiced in our own country. — Hubert H. Humphrey
There is a great deal of difference between living and surviving. You can survive in debauchery, even in sickness and despair. But you live with a spirit of vitality and a spirit of participation, of being wanted, and having something to contribute. — Hubert H. Humphrey
Witty Marriage Quotes
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx
Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce. — Larry Gelbart
A witty vicar once said that a good marriage is like a pair of scissors with the couple inseparable joined, often moving in opposite directions, yet always destroying anyone who comes between them. The trick is for the blades to learn to work smoothly together, so as not to cut each other. — Mary Jo Putney
My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce. — Joyce Brothers
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. — Herbert V. Prochnow
Nice people don't necessarily fall in love with nice people. — Jonathan Franzen
All tragedies are finished by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage. — Lord Byron
The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one. — Rita Rudner
Between the action sequences, the pleasure lies in observing impeccably dressed Brits exchanging barbed witticisms - making it, basically, Downton Abbey with cyber crime and shower sex. — Karina Longworth
I have just now come from a party where I was its life and soul; witticisms streamed from my lips, everyone laughed and admired me, but I went away - yes, the dash should be as long as the radius of the earth's orbit ——————————— and wanted to shoot myself. — Soren Kierkegaard
Of all failures, to fail in a witticism is the worst, and the mishap is the more calamitous in a drawn-out and detailed one — Walter Savage Landor
A man often runs the risk of throwing away a witticism if he admits that it is his own. — Jean De La Bruyere
An epigram is a flashlight of a truth; a witticism, truth laughing at itself. — Minna Antrim
Genuine witticisms surprise those who say them as much as those who listen to them; they arise in us in spite of us, or, at least, without our participation,--like everything inspired. — Joseph Joubert
Witticisms please as long as we keep them within boundaries, but pushed to excess they cause offense. — Phaedrus
People who make puns are like wanton boys that put coppers on the railroad tracks. They amuse themselves and other children, but their little trick may upset a freight train of conversation for the sake of a battered witticism. — Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
As H.L. Mencken once said, 'nobody ever when broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.' Our show [All in the Family] countered that witticism. I think he was wrong. — Norman Lear
He who cannot shine by thought, seeks to bring himself into notice by a witticism. — Voltaire
Words Of Wisdom Quotes
Don’t depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in darkness. — Ibn Taymiyyah
Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back and reasons to stay. — Dalai Lama
If you let a person talk long enough you'll hear their true intentions. Listen twice, speak once. — Tupac Shakur
If the truth shall kill them, let them die. — Ayn Rand
There will always be rocks in the road ahead of us. They will be stumbling blocks or stepping stones; it all depends on how you use them. — Friedrich Nietzsche
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. — Socrates
People count with self-satisfaction the number of times they have recited the name of God on their prayer beads, but they keep no beads for reckoning the number of idle words they speak. — Al-Ghazali
To admonish your brother in private is to advise him and improve him. But to admonish him publicly is to disgrace and shame him. — Al-Shafi‘i
Does money upset the hearts of learned men? He answered, "men whose hearts are changed by money are not learned" — Al-Ghazali
There comes a point when you either embrace who and what you are, or condemn yourself to be miserable all your days. Other people will try to make you miserable; don't help them by doing the job yourself. — Laurell K. Hamilton
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway. — Albert Einstein
I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long. — Paula Poundstone
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up — Paul Keating
The present generation, wearied by its chimerical efforts, relapses into complete indolence. Its condition is that of a man who has only fallen asleep towards morning: first of all come great dreams, then a feeling of laziness, and finally a witty or clever excuse for remaining in bed. — Soren Kierkegaard
Nixon's motto was, if two wrongs don't make a right, try three. — Norman Cousins
Now it's virtually impossible to write a game that successfully provides challenge and frustration, and that's a shame. We are going to lose something that makes scientists, that makes doers, that makes hard-minded, witty, clever people, and I worry that those people aren't being made these days. — Patrick Rothfuss
Clever, witty and absorbing, Amortality is a much-needed anatomy of our profound malaise about ageing. Its charms will never fade. — David Baddiel
A father may have a child who is ugly and lacking in all the graces, and the love he feels for him puts a blindfold over his eyes so that he does not see his defects but considers them signs of charm and intelligence and recounts them to his friends as if they were clever and witty. — Miguel de Cervantes
Pickup lines never work...I think someone clever, witty and funny is very attractive. — Kate Upton
Sarcastic One Liners Quotes
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. — Groucho Marx
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. — Steven Wright
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots. — Ron White
I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it. — Sherrilyn Kenyon
It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time. — Honore de Balzac
My contributions were many: First clown director, with witty sayings and flashily dressed, now called master of ceremonies. — Jelly Roll Morton
I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited. — Oscar Wilde
I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored. — Louis C. K.
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them. — Dorothy Parker
All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought — Robert Breault
My music is basically all about witty punchlines and lyric progression that is aimed to make you laugh or say "Woah." — Mike Stud
Given a choice between hearing my daughter say "I'm pregnant" or "I used a condom", most mothers would get up in the middle of the night and buy them herself. — Joycelyn Elders
A witty saying proves nothing. — Voltaire
A word of kindness is seldom spoken in vain, while witty sayings are as easily lost as the pearls slipping from a broken string. — George D. Prentice
To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair. — Tina Fey
Would you consider a man or a woman to be complicated? Is it that difficult to understand both the sexes? We say that we know what the other sex is all about, but is that really true? Perhaps the following witty, funny quotes and sayings can help simplify things down about men. — Indira Gandhi
If you want to be witty, work on your character and say what you think on every occasion. — Stendhal
I'm trying to think of a witty comeback, when Boggs says brusquely, “Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.” I decide to go ahead and like Boggs. — Suzanne Collins
Comedy has to be done en clair. You can't blunt the edge of wit or the point of satire with obscurity. Try to imagine a famous witty saying that is not immediately clear. — James Thurber
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. — Voltaire
As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do" — Robert Breault
A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge — Robert Breault
Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying "like" all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster. — Tina Fey
MAKE STATEMENTS also applies to us women: Speak in statements instead of apologetic questions. No one wants to go to a doctor who says, “I’m going to be your surgeon? I’m here to talk to you about your procedure? I was first in my class at Johns Hopkins, so?” Make statements, with your actions and your voice. — Tina Fey
Now it is necessary to court her, and win her, and put on this clean dressing gown, and cut my various nails, and drink something that will kill the millions of germs in my mouth, and say something flattering, and be witty and bonny, and hale and kinky, all just to ease this wrinkle in the groin. It seems a high price. — Donald Barthelme
People tell me that Senator Edwards got picked for his good looks, his sex appeal, and his great hair. I say to them: How do you think I got the job? — Dick Cheney
True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes, and I won't say no - but I'm giving you a definite maybe. — Samuel Goldwyn
John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight. — Groucho Marx
Lesson learned? When people say, "You really, really must" do something, it means you don't really have to. No one ever says, "You really, really must deliver the baby during labor." When it's true, it doesn't need to be said. — Tina Fey
Grave authors say, and witty poets sing, That honest wedlock is a glorious thing. — Alexander Pope
They had to ask spain I think, they've had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it's Gordon Brown phoning up going 'pass the salt' — Michael McIntyre
It's very witty and it's great to see teenage characters have control that way. And you can actually hear about sex and pot and it's okay, it's not completely bad and you can't say that to teenagers. — Caroline Dhavernas
When the political columnists say 'Every thinking man' they mean themselves, and when candidates appeal to 'Every intelligent voter' they mean everybody who is going to vote for them — Franklin P. Adams
I got into trouble a lot in school. They say you're a disturbance in class. You're a distraction, they're moving you around. You never really get rewarded in class for being funny. You're a disturbance. But the funny kid is often witty and clever and quick... they finally get a chance to express themselves when they get out of school. — Godfrey
Sir, money, money, the most charming of all things; money, which will say more in one moment than the most elegant lover can in years. Perhaps you will say a man is not young; I answer he is rich. He is not genteel, handsome, witty, brave, good-humored, but he is rich, rich, rich, rich, rich --that one word contradicts everything you can say against him. — Henry Fielding
No, sir, I'm not saying that charming, witty and warm copy won't sell. I'm just saying I've seen thousands of charming, witty campaigns that didn't sell. — Rosser Reeves
They sit there in committees day after day, And they each put in a color and it comes out gray. And we all have heard the saying, which is true as well as witty, That a camel is a horse that was designed by a committee. — Allan Sherman
One woman I interviewed, Amanda Ghost, said, "Let's not bullshit, there are no women at the top of the music business, and that is a serious problem." And I said, "Yes!" And I didn't shy away from saying that. But I still don't want to be in the firing line. I'm not clever or witty or brave enough to get into the political nitty-gritty with it. — Laura Marling
It almost takes people by surprise when I'm not a big talker. Because I'm known as being sort of a loud mouth. I have a lot to say. But I try to be more thoughtful with my comments or reactions, unless it's something witty or hysterical that I just can't keep myself from blurting or tweeting! — Natalie Maines
If you want to be witty, say what you think at all times — Oscar Wilde
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A tautology is a thing which is tautological. A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. If your kids look like you, it's hereditory. If they look like the neighbor, it's the environment. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry
As an actor, you can really play the intensity and gravity and seriousness of the moment, and just rely on the circumstances being funny. The joke is kind of the situation you're in, or the way you're reacting to something, as opposed to the characters just saying something witty. — Ed Helms
New Year's resolution: To refrain from saying witty, unkind things, unless they are really witty and irreparably damaging. — James Agate
writers of novels are so busy being solitary that they haven't time to meet one another. But then, a writer learns nothing from a writer, conversationally. If a writer has anything witty, profound or quotable to say he doesn't say it. He's no fool. He writes it. — Edna Ferber
And they're [Coen brothers] so smart, they're so witty, they have such an extraordinary way of communicating with an audience in a such a clean way - with just a few lines or just a gesture from a character, they say so much. — Angelina Jolie
My main problem is that over and over again, I try to get all my characters to say stuff that I think is so witty or erudite you know, so that everybody will go. — Anne Lamott
In Conclusion
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