When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.— Jerry Lewis
Authentic Funny Dad quotations
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
My dad used to say to me, 'You look more like me than I do.'
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
When I was a little boy, I told my dad, 'When I grow up, I want to be a musician.' My dad said: 'You can't do both, Son'.
My daughter got me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. So we know she's sarcastic.
I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus;
he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died.
And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.
Trust me, You can dance.
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
To her, the name of father was another name for love.
My dad is one of the funniest people I know.
He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!
The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.
My mum and dad are both really funny.
My granddad's really funny, my uncle's really funny, everyone's really funny. You have to be quick, otherwise you get roasted. Everyone takes the piss quite a lot. You have to be really sharp.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
Dear dad, you always told me that an honest man has nothing to fear, so I'm trying my best not to be afraid.
It behooves a father to be blameless if he expects his child to be.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex.
Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
When I was a kid I didn't feel like I fit in because - this is really silly and I probably shouldn't say it, but, I didn't think anything was funny. So I used to go home and literally cry to my mom and my step-dad at the time and I didn't think anything was funny. I couldn't laugh.
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure can rent it for awhile.
When I was a kid, my father told me every day, 'You're the most wonderful boy in the world, and you can do anything you want to.'
I found out that I'm a pretty bad father.
I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.
You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
My poor dad said, 'You need to know a lot about one speciality.' My rich dad said, 'You need to learn a little about a lot of things.'
My dad hasn't said much about his college days.
Oh, a few times, he might start telling stories. And I've seen some highlight film of him from college. I remember thinking he looked really small. Which is funny, because growing up, I thought he was a pretty big guy.
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
['Dad's Army' show]was a military thing but also very funny, so it's kind of the two things that I experienced by being a soldier, and I found it very humorous then and there, because of the juxtapositions [and] me and my emotional state.
Let's be pretty kind. Pretty funny. Pretty smart. Pretty strong
It's a funny thing. It's an odd thing to have your dad just come and work with you. But I think they all enjoyed working with him. It was a lot of fun. David loved teasing my dad, but I know respects him very much and when he gave him direction, David was always trying to do what he asked and we had a lot of fun.
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey;
that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!
I've always loved The Simpsons, just because it was really, really funny.
As a kid, you love the characters. You know that the dad is dumb and frustrated, and you know that the boy is smarter than everyone else around him and is constantly getting into mischief.
Father's Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it's the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.