Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open. — George Bernard Shaw
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. — Johnny Carson
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. — Helen Rowland
Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it. — Helen Rowland
Marriage is like a hot bath; once you get used to it, it ain't so hot. — Minnie Pearl
There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. — Woody Allen
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. — Clint Eastwood
Marriage Humor Quotes
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. — Lewis Grizzard
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. — Albert Einstein
God created sex. Priests created marriage. — Voltaire
Ultimately, the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or friendship, is conversation.
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. — Jay Leno
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. — Johnny Carson
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always — Red Skelton
We simply can't abandon ship every time we encounter a storm in our marriage. Real love is about weathering the storms of life together.
All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex. — Bill Maher
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. — Stephen Hawking
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen. — Red Skelton
Love Joke Quotes
Make jokes. No stress. Love. Live Life. Proceed. Progress. — Lil Wayne
The Mexican...is familiar with death. [He] jokes about it, caresses it, sleeps with it, celebrates it. It is one of his favorite toys and his most steadfast love. — Octavio Paz
I love funny people, and when I'm with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because that to me is funny, as opposed to someone who stops and says, 'Hey let me tell you a joke.' — Paul Feig
A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not that good.
I love my babies so much that I could kiss them all day long..as a job. I could be a professional baby kisser. No joke. — Jessica Capshaw
The wrong kind of guy to fall in love with is the guy who will let go of the steering wheel as a joke. A guy who finds it amusing to make you uncomfortable, which is more common than you'd think, is someone you want to avoid. — An Na
I love Thanksgiving turkey... It's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. — Arnold Schwarzenegger
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
It stands to reason that we love chocolate cake because it is sweet. Guys go for girls like this because they are sexy. We adore babies because they're so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why. — Daniel Dennett
It stands to reason that we love chocolate cake because it is sweet. Guys go for girls like this because they are sexy. We adore babies because they're so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why. — Dan Dennett
Funny Jokes Quotes
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! — Billy Connolly
Being broke is a joke, I never found it funny / That's why I count my blessings / As much as I count my money... — Fabolous
If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again. — Stan Laurel
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. — Mitch Hedberg
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying. — Sayings
They're just jokes, people. They can't all be funny. — Theo Von
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. — Jack E. Leonard
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg. — Ricky Gervais
Marriage Advice Quotes
Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry. — Danish Proverbs
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx
A young man should not marry yet, an old man not at all — Greek Proverbs
Love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure, and commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life: time. Marriage is not the end of romance, it is the beginning. — Esther Perel
God speaks with authority on every subject including marriage and His advice trumps Oprah's every time. — Kirk Cameron
What a happy and holy fashion it is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow. — Nathaniel Hawthorne
Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them. — Jefferson Machamer
Women hope men will change after marriage but they don't; men hope women won't change but they do. — Bettina Arndt
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. — Hemant Joshi
Bad Jokes Quotes
There is no bad time to laugh. I always joke, even five minutes before a game. It’s not bad to stay a little immature. — Kylian Mbappe
We didn't like to do the traditional prank show where we felt bad for people having jokes pulled on them. — Joe Gatto
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. — Joan Rivers
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. — Sayings
I'm a diplomat by nature. I help find the middle ground. I crack a joke and use humour to help resolve potentially vicious situations quickly. It gets things in perspective and helps everyone to see that things aren't as bad as they seem. — Ronnie Wood
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh
When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show. — Jeff Dunham
The next best thing to a very good joke is a very bad one. — Julius Charles Hare
Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one? — George Bernard Shaw
A girl can tell I like her when I blush or start telling bad jokes. — Zac Efron
Old Jokes Quotes
There is an old joke that went around- it goes, in the beginning God made man in His own image, and since the fall, man has been seeking to return the compliment. — Alistair Begg
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. — George Burns
Death's an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew. — Ivan Turgenev
Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost. — Ken Dodd
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work. — Hy Gardner
Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation. — Jack Benny
You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave. — Dylan Brody
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. — Steven Wright
I'm pretty goofy and I make a lot of dumb jokes - life is too short to be serious, so I guess that's how I flirt. To be honest, I think I'm too shy and reserved to be a proper old fashioned flirt. — Cory Monteith
It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than trying to make the English laugh. — Malcolm Muggeridge
Dirty Jokes Quotes
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts. — Woody Allen
Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke. That's their natural and first weapon. She will need her sisterhood. — Gloria Steinem
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. — George Orwell
Everyone seems to think I'm very ladylike. That I'm very cultured and intelligent. I drink alot of Diet Coke and belch. I've been known to use the F-word. I've told a few dirty jokes. I arm-wrestle. — Helena Bonham Carter
The government passed more laws to protect women from dirty jokes than to protect men from death by faulty rafters at a construction site. — Warren Farrell
Stay out of the gutter in your conversation. Foul talk defiles the man who speaks it... Don't swear. Don't profane. Avoid so-called dirty jokes. Stay away from conversation that is sprinkled with foul and filthy words. You will be happier if you do so, and your example will give strength to others. — Gordon B. Hinckley
The cheesecake was smooth and lush, with the personality of a warm and well-to-do uncle who knows a hundred dirty jokes and will die of sexual exertions in the arms of his mistress. — Don Delillo
I don't really know what is shocking. When you tell the story of a man who is beheaded, you have to show how they cut off his head. If you don't, it's like telling a dirty joke and leaving out the punch line. — Roman Polanski
Remember how I found you there alone in your electric chair, I told you dirty jokes until you smiled. — Billy Joel
It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too. — Bob Saget
Good Marriage Quotes
A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. — Ruth Graham
What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility. — Leo Tolstoy
A successful marriage is made up of two good forgivers. — Ruth Graham
A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal. — Anne Lamott
Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart. — Kai Knudsen
A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection. — Dallin H. Oaks
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. — Michel de Montaigne
The mark of a good marriage is when only one of you goes crazy at a time! — Heinz Kohut
In a good relationship, people get angry, but in a very different way. The Marriage Masters see a problem a bit like a soccer ball. They kick it around. It's 'our' problem. — John M. Gottman
When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. — R. C. Sherriff
Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. — Gene Perret
Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. — Jonathan Clements
Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. — Gene Perret
I was thinking Im going to die but I'm not going to tap — Lyoto Machida
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. — Laurence J. Peter
Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I'm home - forever." — Gene Perret
I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. — Gene Perret
Marriage Wisdom Quotes
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. — Lao Tzu
The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers. — Nhat Hanh
What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family. — Mother Teresa
When talking about marriage, Allah says your spouses are garments for you. A garment may or may not fit perfectly-but either way, it covers imperfections, protects, and beautifies. — Yasmin Mogahed
Absence is to love as wind is to fire: it extinguishes the little flame, it fans the big. — Umberto Eco
Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century. — Mark Twain
Find the person who will love you because of your differences and not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life. — Leo Buscaglia
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along. — Rumi
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. — Herbert V. Prochnow
Well, you know, the definition of second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. — George Will
Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. — Madeleine de Scudery
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and halfway closed there after. — James Dobson
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman
according to the old joke, married people are often like little boys bathing, who cry with chattering teeth to the boys on the shore, 'Do come in, it's so warm' - it is not always warm. — Dinah Maria Murlock Craik
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. — Henny Youngman
[Strong marriage] starts with being married to a remarkable person. And I am. I jokingly say that I stood up in front of a crowd once and said, "Laura's the greatest first lady ever," and then realized my mother was in the audience. — George W. Bush
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad. — Helen Rowland
In all of Western civilization, there have been societies that celebrating the homosexuality, the ancient Greeks. But they, in fact, protected the institution of marriage as a union between one man and one woman. They got the joke. And the American people get the joke. — Ken Blackwell
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. — William J. Clinton
We have a marriage of people of various cultures coming together. It's not a joke. It's real. — Stevie Wonder
Thanks to feminism, women can now acquire status in two ways: through marriage or their own achievements. Cure cancer or marry the man who does, either way society will applaud. Unless he marries into the British royal family, it doesn't work that way for men. Wives shed no glory on their husbands. Having tea with Nancy Reagan is an honor; having tea with Denis Thatcher is a joke. — Katha Pollitt
It devastates me now that I have been reduced to a Hollywood statistic - another joke marriage. — Sophia Bush
Humor is so culturally based that when I try to tell a joke as me being a white American, if I tell other white Americans, they'll laugh. If I tell an African American, they might not laugh. In fact, they either might not find it funny, or they might find it offensive, and I didn't mean it to be offensive. So these are the sort of little things that build up over time, just like in a marriage. You know, the little things can build up over time. — Michael Emerson
The secret to a good marriage, as far as I am concerned, is a joke I make: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty. — Michael J. Fox
I planted some jokes in my wedding. Like, the organizers asked me to select music. So when I approached wife at the ceremony, they played the second movement from Shostakovich's 10th Symphony, which is usually known as the "portrait of Stalin." And then when we embraced, the music that they played was Schubert's "Death and the Maiden." I enjoyed this in a childish way! But marriage was all a nightmare and so on and so on. — Slavoj Žižek
God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage — Mark Twain
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house. — Daniel Tosh
I am not against marriage - without marriage, ninety-nine percent jokes will disappear from the world. How I can be against marriage? I am all for it. — Osho
Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them! — Kathy Lette
Bad jokes, and gay marriage are destroying this country - but torture can save it. — Jon Stewart
Women joked amongst themselves: 'Why do you think a bride cries on her wedding day? It's for the love that this marriage is putting an end to for all eternity. Men may think a woman has no past- "you were born and then I married you"- but men are fools. — Nadeem Aslam
I have never fit into this town, this marriage, this skin. I am the child who was picked last to play tag; I am the girl who laughed although she did not get the joke; I am the piecemeal part of you that you pretend doesn't exist, except it is all I am, all the time. — Jodi Picoult
In Conclusion
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