You don't pay taxes - they take taxes. — Chris Rock
Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. — Herman Wouk
Taxation, gentlemen, is very much like dairy farming. The task is to extract the maximum amount of milk with the minimum amount of moo. — Terry Pratchett
The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. — Will Rogers
No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job. — Pat Paulsen
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. — Ambrose Bierce
The fact is that the government, like a highwayman, says to a man: Your money, or your life. And many, if not most, taxes are paid under the compulsion of that threat. — Lysander Spooner
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. — Anonymous
The politician's promises of yesterday are the taxes of today. — Mackenzie King
When the devil grows poor he becomes a tax collector — Greek Proverbs
The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least possible amount of hissing. — Jean-Baptiste Colbert
The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least possible amount of hissing. — J. B. Colbert
I like to pay taxes. With them, I buy civilization. — Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. — Benjamin Franklin
We are all are equal, but some pay higher tax rates than others. — Jeff Rich
Idleness and pride tax with a heavier hand than kings and governments. — Benjamin Franklin
When the state calls you a taxpayer, it's equivalent to a rapist calling his victim his girlfriend. — Javier Milei
I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected. — Bob Hope
If you want to teach your kids about taxes, eat 38% of their ice cream. — Jordan Belfort
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
Tax Day Quotes
Elections should be held on April 16th- the day after we pay our income taxes. That is one of the few things that might discourage politicians from being big spenders. — Thomas Sowell
One thing is clear: The Founding Fathers never intended a nation where citizens would pay nearly half of everything they earn to the government. — Ron Paul
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag — Jay Leno
I don't think that we need to see [Donald Trump] tax returns to verify his financial acumen. I walk into the Trump Tower every day and I'm like, this guy did pretty well for himself before I got here. — Kellyanne Conway
Income tax filing and payment day should be moved from April 15th to November 1st so it can be close to election day. People ought to have their tax bills fresh in mind as they go to vote. — Steven G. Calabresi
I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
I talk to nurses and programmers, salespeople and firefighters - people who bust their tails every day. Not one of them - not one - stashes their money in the Cayman Islands to avoid paying their fair share of taxes. — Elizabeth Warren
Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers, and cheating on your income tax. — Mike Royko
In my home state of Indiana we prove every day that you can build a growing economy on balanced budgets, low taxes. — Mike Pence
I won't talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I'm glad I'm out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day. — Richard Pryor
Pay Your Taxes Quotes
I think trading Bitcoin while reading twitter is a bad idea. The news that governments expect you to pay your taxes and abide by existing laws should not be driving panic in the marketplace. The main stream interpretations are almost always the opposite of the true implication. — Michael Saylor
I also think that if you want to put a price on carbon, why not just do it with a simple tax? Why not ask motorists to pay more, why not ask electricity consumers to pay more and then at the end of the year you can take your invoices to the tax office and get a rebate of the carbon tax you've paid — Tony Abbott
If you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get ahead -- if you strike oil. — J. Paul Getty
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
If you can manipulate news, a judge can manipulate the law. A smart lawyer can keep a killer out of jail, a smart accountant can keep a thief from paying taxes, a smart reporter could ruin your reputation- unfairly. — Mario Cuomo
In a system where the cost of care is hidden by taxes levied on your income, property, and business activities, it is no wonder why so many Americans rely on Medicaid to pay their long term care. — Michael Burgess
In a system where the cost of care is hidden by taxes levied on your income, property, and business activities, it is no wonder why so many Americans rely on Medicaid to pay their long term care. — Michael C. Burgess
Trust me, You can dance.
I always want to say to people who want to be rich and famous: 'try being rich first'. See if that doesn't cover most of it. There's not much downside to being rich, other than paying taxes and having your relatives ask you for money. But when you become famous, you end up with a 24-hour job. — Bill Murray
Government: If you refuse to pay unjust taxes, your property will be confiscated. If you attempt to defend your property, you will be arrested. If you resist arrest, you will be clubbed. If you defend yourself against clubbing, you will be shot dead. These procedures are known as the Rule of Law. — Edward Abbey
Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich. — Lewis Black
Citizenship in the 21st century requires more than paying your taxes and voting and occasionally running for office. That even if you're never in political office, you have political responsibilities. You can make your society stronger and better. — William J. Clinton
Tax Returns Quotes
My belief is that the vast majority of people using digital currency today are not seeking to evade taxes. They are simply investors seeking returns and people interested in a nascent new technology. — Brian Armstrong
The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along, paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. — Gore Vidal
Just as no one is morally required to answer a robber truthfully when he asks if there are any valuables in one’s house, so no one can be morally required to answer truthfully similar questions asked by the State, e.g., when filling out income tax returns. — Murray Rothbard
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
And it makes you wonder—how can a people incapable of selecting their own lightbulbs and toilets possess enough competence to vote for their own rulers and fill out complicated tax returns? — Mark Levin
I return my tax bill without paying it. My reason for doing so is that women suffer taxation yet have not representation. — Lucy Stone
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. — Arthur C. Clarke
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference. — Emo Philips
It was the king's army, the king's people, the king's taxes; and he who questioned the propriety of the royal prerogative of taking from his people without return or accounting, was reckoned, and felt himself to be, a criminal, guilty of the highest crime of disloyalty. — John Buchanan Robinson
All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling. — H. L. Mencken
The same government that requires a taxpaying citizen to document every statement on his tax return decrees that questioning a welfare applicant demeans and humiliates him. — Ronald Reagan
Politics Funny Quotes
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. — Edward Abbey
A businessman cannot force you to buy his product; if he makes a mistake, he suffers the consequences; if he fails, he takes the loss. If bureaucrat makes a mistake, you suffer the consequences; if he fails, he passes the loss on to you. — Ayn Rand
You can change your wife, your politics, your religion, but never, never can you change your favourite football team. — Eric Cantona
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. — Mark Twain
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. — George Carlin
I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag. — Molly Ivins
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure can rent it for awhile.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target — Ashleigh Brilliant
I think the Republican party should be placed in drydock and have the barnacles scraped off its bottom. — Tallulah Bankhead
A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole. — Frank Zappa
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution. — Andy Borowitz
Federal Taxes Quotes
Every two weeks, I'd get a small pay-check and notice the line where federal and state income taxes were deducted from my wages. — James David Vance
Instead of talking about cuts in Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, we must end the absurdity of corporations not paying a nickel in federal income taxes. — Bernie Sanders
Balance the federal budget now, not 15 years from now, not 20 years from now, but now. And throw out the entire federal tax system, replace it with a fair tax, a consumption tax, that by all measurements is just that. It's fair. — Gary Johnson
Let's be pretty kind. Pretty funny. Pretty smart. Pretty strong
The Original Sin which brought us to the brink of bankruptcy and dictatorship was the Federal Income Tax Amendment and its illegitimate child, Federal Aid. — Tom Anderson
A tax cut means higher family income and higher business profits and a balanced federal budget. — John F. Kennedy
When the federal government spends more each year than it collects in tax revenues, it has three choices: It can raise taxes, print money, or borrow money. While these actions may benefit politicians, all three options are bad for average Americans. — Ron Paul
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
The federal government has taken too much tax money from the people, too much authority from the states, and too much liberty with the Constitution. — Ronald Reagan
Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it. — Dave Barry
Federal government shutdowns are unsettling, because you realize how little you depend on it compared to the money you give in taxes. — Roosh V
Obama's Democrats have become the part of no. Real cuts to federal budget? No. Entitlement reform? No. Tax reform? No. Breaking the corrupt and fiscally unsustainable symbiosis between public-sector unions and state governments? Hell no. — Charles Krauthammer
Free Tax Quotes
Canadians pay half their income in taxes, wait 2 years to see a specialist, and bleed for 18 hours in an ER next to a dozen addicts looking for free drugs, and then rave about how awesome it is that they have free healthcare. — Saifedean Ammous
If taxes are laid upon us without our having a legal representation where they are laid, we are reduced from the character of free subjects to the state of tributary slaves. — Samuel Adams
Covertly invest into non-White areas, invest in ghetto abortion clinics. Help to raise
money for free abortions, in primarily non-White areas. Perhaps abortion
clinic syndicates throughout North America, that primarily operate in
non-White areas and receive tax support, should be promoted. — Margaret Sanger
Every time you cut programs, you take away a person who has a vested interest in high taxes and you put him on the tax rolls and make him a taxpayer. A farmer on subsidies is part welfare bum, whereas a free-market farmer is a small businessman with a gun. — Grover Norquist
Shout out to all my niggas livin tax free. Nowadays it's six figures when they tax me. — Drake
If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church. — Bill Maher
The tax that is taken from the free non-Muslim subjects of a Muslim government whereby they ratify the compact that assures them protection, as though it were compensation for not being slain. — Edward William Lane
David and Charles Koch are pretty much as far right as you can get on the ideological spectrum without falling off. They are far right libertarians, very anti-government, very pro-business, very anti-tax, anti-regulatory, in favour of free markets ruling the day. — Jane Mayer
The most laughable White House criticism is that tax cuts are a 'free lunch.' The American people's work created that money. Only in Washington could there be a belief that letting people keep more of what they create is a giveaway. — Steve Forbes
Obamacare comes to more than two thousand pages of rules, mandates, taxes, fees, and fines that have no place in a free country. — Paul Ryan
Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled — Dan Quayle
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love — Joe Louis
The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians. — Steve Forbes
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. — Neil Peart
A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere. — Warren Buffett
You could not possibly maintain the current level of government taxation without the taxes being hidden, and they are hidden in two very different ways. They are hidden through withholding, but they are also hidden by being imposed on business, supposedly on business, when really, of course, business can't pay taxes, only people can pay taxes. — Milton Friedman
It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta — Dave Barry
A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong. — Mark Twain
Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay — Milton Friedman
Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!" — Lewis Black
There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income. — Will Rogers
I love America, but I can't spend the whole year here. I can't afford the taxes. — Mick Jagger
Taxes are indeed very heavy -
We are taxed twice as much by our Idleness.
Three times as much by our Pride.
And four times as much by our Folly. — Benjamin Franklin
History shows that when the taxes of a nation approach about 20 percent of the people's income, there begins to be a lack of respect for government.... When it reaches 25 percent, there comes an increase in lawlessness. — Ronald Reagan
The United States has a system of taxation by confession — Hugo Black
I have to go and say farewell to all the countries that I have been to, if I can. I am 73 now, it is taxing on me. — Miriam Makeba
A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it. — Ann Landers
It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for. — Will Rogers
Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes. — Will Rogers
It is an inconvenience, being located in a city where taxes are ludicrously high, where you pay twice your annual income to rent an apartment that could easily be carried on a commercial airline flight. — Dave Barry
If at first you don't succeed, try management. Indecision is the key to flexibility. If at first you don't succeed, take the tax loss. — Kirk Kirkpatrick
I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God. — Homer
Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids — Harvey Mackay
I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society. — George W. Bush
Congratulations on your job at the bank! Yes. You work for the bank. After taxes, your largest expense is your mortgage and credit-card debt. — Robert Kiyosaki
A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers. — Jay Leno
The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service. — Dave Barry
Freebase? What's free about it? — Richard Pryor
As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house. — George Lopez
Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors. — George Bernard Shaw
Meeting writers is always so disappointing. I got over wanting to meet live writers quite a long time ago. There is this terrific book that has changed your life, and then you meet the author, and he has shifty eyes and funny shoes and he won't talk about anything except the injustice of the United States income tax structure toward people with fluctuating income, or how to breed Black Angus cows, or something. — Ursula K. Le Guin
I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese. — Rowan Atkinson
Tax deductible, That's what you are: Tax deductible. Just like my car, like a gift to local charity, you give my 1040 clarity — Steven Zelin
This thought-provoking novel portrays the absurdity of our overbearing government bureaucracy with a story that is entertaining and fast-paced. The Taxman Cometh will become part of our national dialogue about taxes and freedom. And it’s funny as hell. Author Jim Greenfield is a cross between Ayn Rand and Monty Python. If enough people read this hilarious ‘man versus state’ book, the IRS will be put out of business, which is okay with me. — Grover Norquist
Americans spend 6 billion hours a year filling out their tax reforms. — George W. Bush
The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason - to pass the tax bill on to you. — George W. Bush
Our Constitution is in actual operation; everything appears to promise that it will last; but in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes. — Benjamin Franklin
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate. — George Carlin
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