They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. — Ray Floyd
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
Golf is the most fun you can have with out taking your clothes off. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around. — Rick Reilly
I played the tour in 1967 and told jokes and nobody laughed. Then I won the Open the next year, told the same jokes, and everybody laughed like hell. — Lee Trevino
Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course — Bobby Jones
Golf is a non-violent game played violently from within. — Bob Toski
Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse. — Jackie Gleason
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. — Lee Trevino
Golf is just a game - and an idiotic game most of the time. — Mark Calcavecchia
Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky. — Lee Trevino
Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 pecent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness and conversation. — Grantland Rice
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron. — Lee Trevino
Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots - but you have to play the ball where it lies. — Bobby Jones
Golf Humor Quotes
I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you. — Seve Ballesteros
Keep your sense of humor. There's enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game you're supposed to enjoy. — Amy Alcott
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens. — Bob Hope
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. — Kevin Costner
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!" — Henny Youngman
A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not that good.
Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. — Gene Perret
Those years on the golf course as a caddie, boy, those people were something. They were vulgar, some were alcoholics, racist, they were very difficult people to deal with. A lot of them didn't have a sense of humor. — Martin Sheen
Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it. — Jimmy Demaret
Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out. — Anne, Princess Royal
Humorous Golf Quotes
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot. — Don Adams
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead. — Bob Hope
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. — Ben Hogan
A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock. But make sure you're in the same time zone. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf. — Anthony Jeselnik
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. — George Brett
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. — Jack Nicklaus
If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would've been a great shot. — Sam Snead
Funny Golf Quotes
Luck is predictable; the harder you work, the luckier you get. — Brian Tracy
My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch. — Lee Trevino
It takes hundreds of good golf shots to gain confidence, but only one bad one to lose it. — Jack Nicklaus
You swing your best when you have the fewest things to think about. — Bobby Jones
I never learned anything from a match that I won. — Bobby Jones
The older I get, the better I used to be. — Lee Trevino
I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me. — Seve Ballesteros
The most important shot in golf is the next one. — Ben Hogan
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. — Lee Trevino
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. — Jack E. Leonard
Bad Jokes Quotes
There is no bad time to laugh. I always joke, even five minutes before a game. It’s not bad to stay a little immature. — Kylian Mbappe
We didn't like to do the traditional prank show where we felt bad for people having jokes pulled on them. — Joe Gatto
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. — Joan Rivers
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. — Sayings
I'm a diplomat by nature. I help find the middle ground. I crack a joke and use humour to help resolve potentially vicious situations quickly. It gets things in perspective and helps everyone to see that things aren't as bad as they seem. — Ronnie Wood
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh
When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show. — Jeff Dunham
The next best thing to a very good joke is a very bad one. — Julius Charles Hare
Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one? — George Bernard Shaw
A girl can tell I like her when I blush or start telling bad jokes. — Zac Efron
Playing Golf Quotes
A smart girl is one who knows how to play tennis, golf, piano -- and dumb. — Marilyn Monroe
I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game. — Don Rickles
You might as well praise a man for not robbing a bank as to praise him for playing by the rules. — Bobby Jones
The real way to enjoy playing golf is to take pleasure not in the score, but in the execution of strokes. — Bobby Jones
I wasn't this nervous playing golf when I was drinking. It's the first tournament I've won on the PGA Tour in a sober manner, so it's a great feeling knowing I can do it sober. I don't think two years ago I could have pulled this off. — John Daly
When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's heaven here on earth. — Bernie Mac
Golf is the only game I know of that actually becomes harder the longer you play it. — Bobby Jones
The rewards of golf, and of life too I expect, are worth very little if you don't play the game by the etiquette as well as by the rules. — Bobby Jones
In order to win, you must play your best golf when you need it most, and play your sloppy stuff when you can afford it. I shall not attempt to explain how you achieve this happy timing. — Bobby Jones
The object of golf is not just to win. It is to play like a gentleman, and win. — Phil Mickelson
Dirty Jokes Quotes
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts. — Woody Allen
Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke. That's their natural and first weapon. She will need her sisterhood. — Gloria Steinem
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. — George Orwell
Everyone seems to think I'm very ladylike. That I'm very cultured and intelligent. I drink alot of Diet Coke and belch. I've been known to use the F-word. I've told a few dirty jokes. I arm-wrestle. — Helena Bonham Carter
The government passed more laws to protect women from dirty jokes than to protect men from death by faulty rafters at a construction site. — Warren Farrell
Stay out of the gutter in your conversation. Foul talk defiles the man who speaks it... Don't swear. Don't profane. Avoid so-called dirty jokes. Stay away from conversation that is sprinkled with foul and filthy words. You will be happier if you do so, and your example will give strength to others. — Gordon B. Hinckley
The cheesecake was smooth and lush, with the personality of a warm and well-to-do uncle who knows a hundred dirty jokes and will die of sexual exertions in the arms of his mistress. — Don Delillo
I don't really know what is shocking. When you tell the story of a man who is beheaded, you have to show how they cut off his head. If you don't, it's like telling a dirty joke and leaving out the punch line. — Roman Polanski
Remember how I found you there alone in your electric chair, I told you dirty jokes until you smiled. — Billy Joel
It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too. — Bob Saget
Old Jokes Quotes
There is an old joke that went around- it goes, in the beginning God made man in His own image, and since the fall, man has been seeking to return the compliment. — Alistair Begg
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. — George Burns
Death's an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew. — Ivan Turgenev
Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost. — Ken Dodd
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work. — Hy Gardner
Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation. — Jack Benny
You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave. — Dylan Brody
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. — Steven Wright
I'm pretty goofy and I make a lot of dumb jokes - life is too short to be serious, so I guess that's how I flirt. To be honest, I think I'm too shy and reserved to be a proper old fashioned flirt. — Cory Monteith
It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than trying to make the English laugh. — Malcolm Muggeridge
Good Golf Quotes
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. — Mark Twain
All seasoned players know, or at least have felt, that when you are playing your best, you are much the same as in a state of meditation. You are free of tension and chatter. You are concentrating on one thing. It is the ideal condition for good golf. — Harvey Penick
Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive. — Harvey Penick
No-one will ever have golf under his thumb. No round ever will be so good it could not have been better. Perhaps this is why golf is the greatest of games. You are not playing a human adversary; you a playing a game. You are playing old man par. — Bobby Jones
I am tired of all these golfers who are happy with second place. The only one who will like you if you come in second place is your wife and your dog. And that is only if you have a good wife and a good dog. — Gary Player
A good player who is a great putter is a match for any golfer. A great hitter who cannot putt is a match for no one. — Ben Sayers
John certainly gives it a good hit, doesn't he? My Sunday best is a Wednesday afternoon compared to him. — Nick Faldo
It is more satisfying to be a bad player at golf. The worse you play, the better you remember the occasional good shot. — Nubar Gulbenkian
Golf is a game you can never get too good at. You can improve, but you can never get to where you master the game. — Gay Brewer
A strong mind is one of the key components that separates the great from the good. — Gary Player
Marriage Jokes Quotes
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx
Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. — Madeleine de Scudery
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers. — Richard Pryor
Marriage is not a joke. It is not like food that you can spit out when it is too hot to chew. —
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. — Herbert V. Prochnow
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and halfway closed there after. — James Dobson
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman
according to the old joke, married people are often like little boys bathing, who cry with chattering teeth to the boys on the shore, 'Do come in, it's so warm' - it is not always warm. — Dinah Maria Murlock Craik
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. — Confucius
Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off. — Bruce Lansky
Playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture. — Winston Churchill
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. — Henry Beard
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. — Brian Weiss
The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things. — John Updike
In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball. — Gene Perret
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass. — Bob Hope
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. — Tom Mulligan
One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good. — George Archer
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. — Henry Beard
They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it. — Tommy Bolt
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands; how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. — Tom Mulligan
I think in twenty years I'll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president jokes and golf shit. It scares me. — Eddie Murphy
I'm still no good at ball-and-stick games. If I go play golf with the guys, it's intended to be a joke. — Neil Peart
Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something. — Ray Romano
I have a lot of friends, in and out of golf, and there is a mutual trust. I'm very serious at the course. Maybe if I joked around more around the press tent, your image of me would be different. But that's not me. And the golf course is my office. If I come up to you when you're writing a story, are you going to drop everything to talk? Or are you going to say you're too busy doing your job? — Vijay Singh
I don't play the sport for fame. I don't try to win tournaments for fame. I don't do any of that. It's just me. I'm just Bubba. I goof around. I joke around. I just want to be me and play golf. — Bubba Watson
I tell jokes to pay my green fees. — Bob Hope
Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees. — Bob Hope
In Conclusion
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