I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. — Steven Wright
People naturally want to retweet and engage on super funny videos and memes. — Jake Paul
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal. — Dave Attell
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small. — Barbara Seaman
I like someone who has a super gentle spirit and energy. I’m really gentle, and so I like a boy who will treat me that way. — Megan Fox
It's funny, but when there are dominant teams, there are a number of people who rail about the fact that they're always seeing the Dallas Cowboys or the San Francisco 49ers or the Green Bay either in the playoffs or in the Super Bowl. — Al Michaels
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. — Bill Watterson
I think it's always funny when somebody thinks you're going to do something super sexy and then you don't. — Olivia Munn
If you're OK with being clumsy, it's funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you. — Leo Howard
If the Super Bowl is really the ultimate game, why do they play it again next year? — Duane Thomas
Good Funny Quotes
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. — Dennis Wholey
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. — Woody Allen
I've lost a million and a half on the horses and dice in the last two years. And the funny part is, I still like 'em, and if someone handed me another million I'd put it right in the nose
of some horse that looked good to me. — Al Capone
I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. — Lois Wyse
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. — Billy Crystal
love the life you live. live the life you love. — Bob Marley
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. — Sayings
Be willing to be a beginner every single morning. — Meister Eckhart
Graphic design will save the world right after rock and roll does. — David Carson
Real Funny Quotes
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that. — Lewis Grizzard
Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?" — Anthony Griffin
If the physical thing you're doing is funny, you don't have to act funny while doing it...Just be real and it will be funnier — Gene Wilder
There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature. — Jane Austen
Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports... all the others are games. — Ernest Hemingway
Trust me, You can dance.
I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It's not funny! It was real. — Barry Watson
The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend. — Aristotle
Better to have loved and lost than to live with regret. — Big Pun
True friends are like diamonds – bright, beautiful, valuable, and always in style. — Nicole Richie
Extremely Funny Quotes
Men Wanted for Dangerous Expedition: Low Wages for Long Hours of Arduous Labour under Brutal Conditions; Months of Continual Darkness and Extreme Cold; Great Risk to Life and Limb from Disease, Accidents and Other Hazards; Small Chance of Fame in Case of Success. — Ernest Shackleton
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide. — Bill Bailey
The standard four food groups are based on American agricultural lobbies. Why do we have a milk group? Because we have a National Dairy Council. Why do we have a meat group? Because we have an extremely powerful meat lobby. — Marion Nestle
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores. — Dave Barry
When I was a kid, I used to watch 'Laurel and Hardy' with my cousins all the time. I still think they're extremely funny and so surreal. — David Chase
I mean they [ Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis] are both just really good guys and also they're both extremely funny in very unique ways. We made each other laugh an awful lot, and that goes a long way. And we also went through some hard times. I mean it was hard to make this movie [The Hangover]. — Ed Helms
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Optimism isnt funny unless you are laughing at the person, whereas extreme pessimism is extremely funny. Its exaggeration. — Steve Toltz
From Kelsey, I have learned among many other things the value of turning on a dime and how you can have an extremely funny and extremely poignant moment with absolutely no separation in between... and sometimes in the same moment. — David Hyde Pierce
It's funny, though, because when I first started going to races after we met, I was extremely nervous. It's like being backstage and hoping you don't trip over something or break an amp or accidentally speak into a live microphone, so I was really hesitant. — Ashley Judd
The European drivers have adapted to this circuit extremely quickly, especially Paul Radisich who's a New Zealander. — Murray Walker
Making People Laugh Quotes
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. — Oscar Wilde
Surround yourself with people who make you happy. People who make you laugh, who help you when you’re in need. People who genuinely care. They are the ones worth keeping in your life. Everyone else is just passing through. — Karl Marx
People believe those fairytales about falling in love at first sight at the bus, subway, or at the streets. But it doesn’t make sense how they’d laugh at the ones who fell in love at first sight through TV screens. Loving a celebrity IS a type of love. Love is fair to everyone. — Tablo
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. — Will Rogers
I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person. — Audrey Hepburn
Creating content to make people smile and laugh, that's what makes me happy. — Logan Paul
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure can rent it for awhile.
Our goal is just to make each other laugh. If we can make each other laugh, then we know. We hope that people will respond to it in the same way we do. — James Murray
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. — Robert Bloch
Writing Humor Quotes
A poem is never finished, only abandoned. — Paul Valery
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. — Steven Wright
At the risk of appearing disingenuous, I don't really think of myself as 'writing humor.' I'm simply reporting on the world I observe, which is frequently hilarious. — Richard Russo
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose. — Fred Allen
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. — David Letterman
I think people appreciate a songwriter who shows different sides. The whole angst thing is cool, but if that's all you've got, it's just boring. Everything I write, whether it's happy or sad, has a sense of humor to it. — Katy Perry
Let's be pretty kind. Pretty funny. Pretty smart. Pretty strong
A writer's voice is not character alone, it is not style alone; it is far more. A writer's voice line the stroke of an artist's brush- is the thumbprint of her whole person- her idea, wit, humor, passions, rhythms. — Patricia Lee Gauch
Just tell the truth, and they'll accuse you of writing black humor. — Charles Willeford
Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.' — Jim Gaffigan
Grace creates liberated laughter. The grace of God...is beautiful, and it radiates joy and awakens humor. — Karl Barth
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. — Jay Leno
A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing. — Laura Ingalls Wilder
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant. — Washington Irving
Humor is a prelude to faith and laughter is the beginning of prayer. — Reinhold Niebuhr
I really hate sitcoms on television with canned laughter and stuff. What really makes me laugh is the real-life stuff. I've got a dry sense of humor. — Katie Price
A sense of humor is just common sense dancing. — William James
Ridicule is generally made use of to laugh men out of virtue and good sense, by attacking everything praiseworthy in human life. — Joseph Addison
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. — Bill Cosby
I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth." — Quincy Jones
More Being Funny Quotes
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. — Groucho Marx
I'm gonna kick your teeth so far down your throat you'll be able to chew your own ass out for pissin' me off. — The Undertaker
Being broke is a joke, I never found it funny / That's why I count my blessings / As much as I count my money... — Fabolous
A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart — Leo Buscaglia
I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture. — Lauryn Hill
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest — Winston Churchill
There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't. — William Faulkner
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. — Mark Twain
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words. — Donna Roberts
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears. — Sigmund Freud
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. — Billy Crystal
Life is funny. Things change, people change, but you will always be you, so stay true to yourself and never sacrifice who you are for anyone. — Zayn Malik
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. — Dorothy Parker
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. — Sayings
Be willing to be a beginner every single morning. — Meister Eckhart
Life is a nacho. It can be yummy-crunchy or squishy-yucky. It just depends on how long it takes for you to start eating it. — John Updike
Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper. — Adelle Davis
The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor. — Wernher Von Braun
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes. — William Gibson
When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you. — Jerry Lewis
If the physical thing you're doing is funny, you don't have to act funny while doing it...Just be real and it will be funnier — Gene Wilder
When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them. — John Glenn
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win." — Mitch Hedberg
A Brother may not be a Friend, but a Friend will always be a Brother. — Benjamin Franklin
If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable. — Gabourey Sidibe
Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind. — Hamilton Wright Mabie
Our hopes are high. Our faith in the people is great. Our courage is strong. And our dreams for this beautiful country will never die. — Pierre Trudeau
The solution to any problem -work, love, money, whatever -is to go fishing, and the worse the problem, the longer the trip should be. — John Gierach
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik
Everyone has a doctor in him or her; we just have to help it in its work. The natural healing force within each one of us is the greatest force in getting well. Our food should be our medicine. Our medicine should be our food. But to eat when you are sick, is to feed your sickness. — Hippocrates
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target — Ashleigh Brilliant
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain. — George Carlin
If my life wasn't funny it would just be true, and that is unacceptable. — Carrie Fisher
I think the Republican party should be placed in drydock and have the barnacles scraped off its bottom. — Tallulah Bankhead
I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself. — Warsan Shire
A person isn't considered insane if there are a number of people who believe the same way. Insanity isn't supposed to be a communicable disease. If one other person starts to believe him, or maybe two or three, then it's a religion. — Robert M. Pirsig
If you want to be a photographer, first leave home — Steve McCurry
It's better to be a dictator than gay. — Alexander Lukashenko
I believe that all women are pretty without makeup- but with the right makeup can be pretty powerful. — Bobbi Brown
It is not always possible to be the best, but it is always possible to improve your own performance. — Jackie Stewart
People are generally irrational, unreasonable and selfish. They deserve to be loved, anyway. — Mother Teresa
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there? — Steven Wright
In Conclusion
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