Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! — Billy Connolly
They can crack jokes. They can sit back and analyze and criticize and make all the fun they want. But I'm living my life, I'm doing it. What are you doing? — Kai Greene
Every moment of life is unique-a kiss, a sunset, a dance, a joke. None will ever recur in quite the same way. Each happens only once in the history of the universe. — Stephen Nachmanovitch
Make jokes. No stress. Love. Live Life. Proceed. Progress. — Lil Wayne
The Mexican...is familiar with death. [He] jokes about it, caresses it, sleeps with it, celebrates it. It is one of his favorite toys and his most steadfast love. — Octavio Paz
If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again. — Stan Laurel
When you can make others laugh with jokes that belittle no one and your words always unite, Hafiz will vote for you to be God. — Hafez
Short Jokes Quotes
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. — Mitch Hedberg
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. — Oscar Wilde
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. — Will Rogers
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying. — Sayings
They're just jokes, people. They can't all be funny. — Theo Von
Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. — P. J. O'Rourke
The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind. — H. P. Lovecraft
I did see the Soul Train picture. That was interesting. I've heard all the jokes. I had it coming. — Mike Tomlin
He who laughs last didn't get the joke. — Charles De Gaulle
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. — Jack E. Leonard
A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not that good.
Death's an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew. — Ivan Turgenev
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
Joke Love You Quotes
I love funny people, and when I'm with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because that to me is funny, as opposed to someone who stops and says, 'Hey let me tell you a joke.' — Paul Feig
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers. — Richard Pryor
The wrong kind of guy to fall in love with is the guy who will let go of the steering wheel as a joke. A guy who finds it amusing to make you uncomfortable, which is more common than you'd think, is someone you want to avoid. — An Na
I love Thanksgiving turkey... It's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. — Arnold Schwarzenegger
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman
Best of all is it to preserve everything in a pure, still heart, and let there be for every pulse a thanksgiving, and for every breath a song. — Conrad Gessner
It's like love making, the foreplay is the biggest part, the same thing as comedy. If you can frame your show in such a way that the funny jokes become funnier. — Tommy Chong
Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster. — Elizabeth Bishop
My devils and angels, fears and hopes, insights and stupidities, loves and loathings, are what they are. I don't edit them out so much as try to make them interesting - whether I am talking to you, or writing a poem, or joking with my kids, or speaking on television. — Robert Pinsky
Marriage Jokes Quotes
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx
Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. — Madeleine de Scudery
Marriage is not a joke. It is not like food that you can spit out when it is too hot to chew. —
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. — Herbert V. Prochnow
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and halfway closed there after. — James Dobson
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman
according to the old joke, married people are often like little boys bathing, who cry with chattering teeth to the boys on the shore, 'Do come in, it's so warm' - it is not always warm. — Dinah Maria Murlock Craik
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. — Henny Youngman
[Strong marriage] starts with being married to a remarkable person. And I am. I jokingly say that I stood up in front of a crowd once and said, "Laura's the greatest first lady ever," and then realized my mother was in the audience. — George W. Bush
Funny Jokes Quotes
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg. — Ricky Gervais
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. — Ronnie Corbett
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. — Sayings
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. — George Burns
There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people...religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin! — Charles M. Schulz
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts. — Woody Allen
You like the girl," Alasdair offered. Nassar leveled a heavy gaze at him. "Lillian said you tried to be funny in the car. I told her it couldn't possibly be true. The moment you try to make a joke, the sky shall split and the Four Horsemen will ride out, heralding Apocalypse. — Ilona Andrews
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. — Jon Stewart
In the beginning, every little thing used to bother me. Now, even the worst sounding things sound like a joke because I’ve seen everything. — Ryan Higa
Love Question Quotes
I love you because I love you, because it would be impossible not to love you. I love you without question, without calculation, without reason good or bad, faithfully, with all my heart and soul, and every faculty. — Juliette Drouet
On the question of relating to our fellowman - our neighbor's spiritual need transcends every commandment. Everything else we do is a means to an end. But love is an end already, since God is love. — Edith Stein
Life is the question and life is the answer, and God is the reason and love is the way. — Johnny Cash
In this universe we are given two gifts: the ability to love and the ability to question. Which are, at the same time, the fires that warm us and the fires that scorch us. — Mary Oliver
Faith is not a question of the existence or non-existence of God. It is believing that love without reward is valuable. — Emmanuel Levinas
There are four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love. — Lord Byron
Go back in time. Next question go and look at dinosaurs. I would be sitting on a rock looking at a T- Rex, loving life. — Oliver Sykes
The only meaningful thing we can offer one another is love. Not advice, not questions about our choices, not suggestions for the future, just love. — Glennon Melton
The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have. — Randy Pausch
Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering. — Nicole Krauss
Marriage Humor Quotes
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. — Lewis Grizzard
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. — Albert Einstein
God created sex. Priests created marriage. — Voltaire
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. — Jay Leno
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. — Johnny Carson
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always — Red Skelton
All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex. — Bill Maher
Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it. — Helen Rowland
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. — Stephen Hawking
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. — Oscar Wilde
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead. — Ann Landers
Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago! — Greg Giraldo
Love Problem Solve Quotes
Intelligence is what you use when you don't know what to do. — Jean Piaget
Life is not a problem to be solved, but an experience to be had. — Alan Watts
The best thing that can happen to a human being us to find a problem, to fall in love with that problem, and to live trying to solve that problem, unless another problem even more lovable appears. — Karl Popper
The secret of success is to find a need and fill it, to find a hurt and heal it, to find somebody with a problem and offer to help solve it. — Robert H. Schuller
Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. — Barbara Johnson
The mystery of life isn't a problem to solve, but a reality to experience. — Frank Herbert
Whatever your problem, it is but a test in love. If you meet that test through love, your problem will be solved. If you do not meet that test through love, your problem will continue until you do! Your problem is your initiation in love. — Catherine Ponder
Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to just stop caring. — Jon Mead
Some people think only intellect counts: knowing how to solve problems, knowing how to get by, knowing how to identify an advantage and seize it. But the functions of intellect are insufficient without courage, love, friendship, compassion, and empathy. — Dean Koontz
If we can fall in love with serving people, creating value, solving problems, building valuable connections and doing work that matters, it makes it far more likely we're going to do important work — Seth Godin
Bad Jokes Quotes
There is no bad time to laugh. I always joke, even five minutes before a game. It’s not bad to stay a little immature. — Kylian Mbappe
We didn't like to do the traditional prank show where we felt bad for people having jokes pulled on them. — Joe Gatto
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. — Joan Rivers
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. — Sayings
I'm a diplomat by nature. I help find the middle ground. I crack a joke and use humour to help resolve potentially vicious situations quickly. It gets things in perspective and helps everyone to see that things aren't as bad as they seem. — Ronnie Wood
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh
When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show. — Jeff Dunham
The next best thing to a very good joke is a very bad one. — Julius Charles Hare
Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one? — George Bernard Shaw
A girl can tell I like her when I blush or start telling bad jokes. — Zac Efron
Humorous Love Quotes
Life is short. Kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly — Paulo Coelho
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. — Woody Allen
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that. — Lewis Grizzard
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. — Groucho Marx
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart. — Melanie Griffith
Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you. — Jeffree Star
It takes a moment to tell someone you love them, but it takes a lifetime to prove it. — Erich Fromm
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. — Groucho Marx
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there. — George Burns
Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love. — Hamilton Wright Mabie
Love Poems Quotes
Don’t you love the Oxford Dictionary? When I first read it, I thought it was a really really long poem about everything. — David Bowie
Listen with your heart, you will understand. — Pocahontas
Love the earth and sun and animals, Despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, Stand up for the stupid and crazy, Devote your income and labor to others... And your very flesh shall be a great poem. — Walt Whitman
You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that fleeting moment when you feel alive. It is not for unsteady souls . — Merce Cunningham
I’d cut my soul into a million different pieces just to form a constellation to light your way home. I’d write love poems to the parts of yourself you can’t stand. I’d stand in the shadows of your heart and tell you I’m not afraid of your dark. — Andrea Gibson
See the mountains kiss high Heaven And the waves clasp one another; No sister-flower would be forgiven If it disdained its brother; And the sunlight clasps the earth, And the moonbeams kiss the sea - What is all this sweet work worth If thou kiss not me? — Percy Bysshe Shelley
One man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face. — William Butler Yeats
They that love beyond the world
cannot be separated by it.
Death cannot kill what never dies. — William Penn
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. — Elizabeth Barrett Browning
For those who love... time is eternity. — Henry Van Dyke
Humorous Valentine Quotes
You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories. — Melanie Clark Pullen
I'm single because I was born that way. — Mae West
You can't put a price tag on preparation for a pandemic. — Richard E. Besser
Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you." — Russell Howard
I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia. — Frankie Boyle
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. — Courteney Cox
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move. — Kristen Schaal
It was hidden inside another book. One Valentine was unlikely to ever open." Magnus smiled crookedly. "Simple Recipes for Housewives. No one can say your mother didn't have a sense of humor. — Cassandra Clare
Americans like to talk about (or be told about) Democracy but, when put to the test, usually find it to be an 'inconvenience.' We have opted instead for an authoritarian system disguised as a Democracy. We pay through the nose for an enormous joke-of-a-government, let it push us around, and then wonder how all those assholes got in there. — Frank Zappa
In a theatre it happened that a fire started off stage. The clown came out to tell the audience. They thought it was a joke and applauded. He told them again, and they became still more hilarious. This is the way, I suppose, that the world will be destroyed-amid the universal hilarity of wits and wags who think it is all a joke. — Soren Kierkegaard
I never could tell a joke. I just started talking to the audience, and when the drunks would yell, "Hey, when do the broads come on?" I got good at saying, "Relax. Clear your skin up first." They called me "the insult guy," but it's never mean-spirited. I'm just exaggerating everything about us and about life. — Don Rickles
If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable. — Gabourey Sidibe
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. — Dolly Parton
There's two types of hecklers. If someone says something really funny it's normally them heckling as part of the show. They're trying to add onto one of your jokes. If someone says something really funny, I've never seen a comedian abuse them, you always sort of tip your hat a little bit if they nail it. — Jim Jefferies
I had my electricity turned off three times because I never had time to pay my bills. It was a joke. I'm making a ton of money, and I'm walking around my apartment with flashlights. — Sayings
Nobody was perfect. Not even close. And everybody had wrinkles from smiling and squinting and craining their necks. Everybody has marks on their bodies from years of living- a trail of life left on them. Evidence of all the adventures and sleepless nights and practical jokes and heartbreaks that had made them who they are. — Katherine Center
Leo: "So...giants who can throw mountains. Friendly wolves that will eat us if we show weakness. Evil espresso drinks. Gotcha. Maybe this isn't the best time to bring up my psycho babysitter." Piper: "Is that another joke? — Rick Riordan
It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes. — Thomas Aquinas
Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant. — Washington Irving
I'm not Mr. Debonair Suave. I'm just a regular boy who goofs around, pulls pranks, and makes jokes. That doesn't sound very hot to me. — Jensen Ackles
There's a lot of guys up there who like wearing a suit or try doing jokes that they think will play to a certain crowd, or maybe get them corporate work. I've always written jokes that I would want to hear. So, I'm trying to entertain myself more than anything. — Jim Jefferies
Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives. — Robert Collier
Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives. — Sidney Madwed
Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke. — Ambrose Bierce
There is an old joke that went around- it goes, in the beginning God made man in His own image, and since the fall, man has been seeking to return the compliment. — Alistair Begg
However, Argentina has not always used its advantages to the fullest. A hundred years ago it was among the ten richest countries in the world — ahead of France and Italy. But a failure to diversify, a stratified and unfair society, a poor education system, a succession of coup d’etat, and the wildly differing economic policies in the last 30 years has seen a sharp decline in Argentina’s status. The Brazilians have a joke about their snobbish neighbors: ‘Only people this sophisticated could make a mess this big.’ — Tim Marshall
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. — Joan Rivers
I'm not joking around when I've said occasionally, trying to learn how to play a D chord properly has been a very big thing for me. — Lou Reed
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