I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected. — Henny Youngman
The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow. — H. G. Wells
I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected. — Bob Hope
I played the tour in 1967 and told jokes and nobody laughed. Then I won the Open the next year, told the same jokes, and everybody laughed like hell. — Lee Trevino
Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation. — Jack Benny
People were making jokes before the attempt began. — Nirmal Purja
The human comedy is always tragic, but since its ingredients are always the same - dupe, fox, straight, like burlesque skits - the repetition through the ages is comedy. — Dawn Powell
Short Old Jokes Quotes
The man who says his wife can't take a joke forgets that she took him. — Unknown
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. — Oscar Wilde
Comedy is a tragedy plus time. — Carol Burnett
The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind. — H. P. Lovecraft
He who laughs.....lasts. — Erma Bombeck
When there's no girls around, there's humor. — Joe Gatto
The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth. — George Jean Nathan
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes. — Ludwig Wittgenstein
The best humor is offered up to you by the stupidity of your opponents. — Barney Frank
Death's an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew. — Ivan Turgenev
Live your life. Take chances. Be crazy. Don't wait. Because right now is the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be again.
Getting Old Jokes Quotes
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. — George Burns
Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost. — Ken Dodd
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work. — Hy Gardner
Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. — Joan Rivers
Hillary Clinton wouldn't have make a joke about wiping the server clean with a towel or now we find out about bashing old Blackberries to get rid of them or the fact that she had 13 Blackberries. — Eric Bolling
My comedy is for adults, but you can have your kids listen to it. They won't get all the jokes because hopefully I'm more cerebral than a 10-year-old... but if you ask my wife, I'm not! — Henry Cho
When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life
This weekend President Obama attended the annual Gridiron Club Dinner, and during his speech he joked that he is getting older and crankier. Which explains why he announced he no longer supports President Obama. — Jimmy Fallon
I will never joke about old soldiers who try to get to reunions to talk over the war again. To talk of old times with old friends is the greatest thing in the world. — Will Rogers
It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them. — Brian P. Cleary
The bad thing about being a famous comedian is that every now and then someone approaches me to tell an old joke. Don't tell me jokes - I have that. People also say the weirdest things, sometimes sarcastic things, and even evil things. They like to provoke to get a reaction. — Robin Williams
Ageing Jokes Quotes
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. — Joan Rivers
When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. — R. C. Sherriff
This is a youth-oriented society, and the joke is on them because youth is a disease from which we all recover. — Dorothy Fuldheim
If you want something new, you have to stop doing something old.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? — Zach Galifianakis
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT — Darynda Jones
Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. — Jonathan Clements
The most consistent characteristic of awakened teachers and people I have met is a childlike nature. They laugh, cry, twinkle, and joke, all with a spontaneity born of freedom. Their faces are fluid and reflect a timeless sweetness, even into old age. — Catherine Ingram
I was thinking Im going to die but I'm not going to tap — Lyoto Machida
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. — Laurence J. Peter
Funny Jokes Quotes
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! — Billy Connolly
Being broke is a joke, I never found it funny / That's why I count my blessings / As much as I count my money... — Fabolous
If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again. — Stan Laurel
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. — Mitch Hedberg
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying. — Sayings
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. — Jack E. Leonard
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg. — Ricky Gervais
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. — Ronnie Corbett
Bad Jokes Quotes
There is no bad time to laugh. I always joke, even five minutes before a game. It’s not bad to stay a little immature. — Kylian Mbappe
We didn't like to do the traditional prank show where we felt bad for people having jokes pulled on them. — Joe Gatto
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. — Joan Rivers
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. — Sayings
I'm a diplomat by nature. I help find the middle ground. I crack a joke and use humour to help resolve potentially vicious situations quickly. It gets things in perspective and helps everyone to see that things aren't as bad as they seem. — Ronnie Wood
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh
When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show. — Jeff Dunham
The next best thing to a very good joke is a very bad one. — Julius Charles Hare
Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one? — George Bernard Shaw
A girl can tell I like her when I blush or start telling bad jokes. — Zac Efron
Dirty Jokes Quotes
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts. — Woody Allen
Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke. That's their natural and first weapon. She will need her sisterhood. — Gloria Steinem
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. — George Orwell
Everyone seems to think I'm very ladylike. That I'm very cultured and intelligent. I drink alot of Diet Coke and belch. I've been known to use the F-word. I've told a few dirty jokes. I arm-wrestle. — Helena Bonham Carter
The government passed more laws to protect women from dirty jokes than to protect men from death by faulty rafters at a construction site. — Warren Farrell
Stay out of the gutter in your conversation. Foul talk defiles the man who speaks it... Don't swear. Don't profane. Avoid so-called dirty jokes. Stay away from conversation that is sprinkled with foul and filthy words. You will be happier if you do so, and your example will give strength to others. — Gordon B. Hinckley
The cheesecake was smooth and lush, with the personality of a warm and well-to-do uncle who knows a hundred dirty jokes and will die of sexual exertions in the arms of his mistress. — Don Delillo
I don't really know what is shocking. When you tell the story of a man who is beheaded, you have to show how they cut off his head. If you don't, it's like telling a dirty joke and leaving out the punch line. — Roman Polanski
Remember how I found you there alone in your electric chair, I told you dirty jokes until you smiled. — Billy Joel
It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too. — Bob Saget
Political Jokes Quotes
There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people...religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin! — Charles M. Schulz
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. — Jon Stewart
I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them. — Bob Hope
New opinions often appear first as jokes and fancies, then as blasphemies and treason, then as questions open to discussion, and finally as established truths. — George Bernard Shaw
To me, racist jokes are not funny. I am politically correct, in a weird way. I like to push the boundaries that are politically correct. — John Waters
I understand what a normal political speech is. You get up there, tell a few jokes, you have the flags behind you, and you speak for 10 or 15 minutes in broad generalities. — Bernie Sanders
Reagan was an exceedingly likeable guy, just a heck of a nice fellow, despite his politics. He was funny and loved a good joke, the dirtier, I'm afraid the more ethnic, the better. I don't think he brought very much to the presidency, except charisma and success. — Walter Cronkite
To joke in the face of danger is the supreme politeness, a delicate refusal to cast oneself as a tragic hero. — Edmond Rostand
It's important to remember that life is a joke, and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don't think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time. — John Mulaney
Marriage Jokes Quotes
Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. — Madeleine de Scudery
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers. — Richard Pryor
Marriage is not a joke. It is not like food that you can spit out when it is too hot to chew. —
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. — Herbert V. Prochnow
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and halfway closed there after. — James Dobson
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman
according to the old joke, married people are often like little boys bathing, who cry with chattering teeth to the boys on the shore, 'Do come in, it's so warm' - it is not always warm. — Dinah Maria Murlock Craik
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. — Henny Youngman
Old Age Humor Quotes
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. — Dorothy Parker
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. — Steven Wright
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get. — Jim Davis
Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. — C. E. M. Joad
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you. — Doug Stanhope
The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet. — Robert Orben
At 50, don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. Happy 50th birthday. — H. H. Asquith
You are never too old to become younger! — Mae West
Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. — Gene Perret
Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. — Gene Perret
Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I'm home - forever." — Gene Perret
I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. — Gene Perret
Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. — Malcolm Forbes
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire! — Groucho Marx
In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball. — Gene Perret
When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you. — Gene Perret
Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. — Gene Perret
Golf Jokes Quotes
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens. — Bob Hope
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. — Confucius
Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off. — Bruce Lansky
Playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture. — Winston Churchill
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. — Henry Beard
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. — Brian Weiss
The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things. — John Updike
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass. — Bob Hope
There is an old joke that went around- it goes, in the beginning God made man in His own image, and since the fall, man has been seeking to return the compliment. — Alistair Begg
You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave. — Dylan Brody
Even during the promotion I told people that I didn't like Rush Hour. The jokes I didn't understand and the fighting, compared to my Hong Kong films was terrible. A lot of people didn't like it. But mostly people did like it, they really liked it. Rush Hour really brought me to the American family audience. — Jackie Chan
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. — Steven Wright
I'm pretty goofy and I make a lot of dumb jokes - life is too short to be serious, so I guess that's how I flirt. To be honest, I think I'm too shy and reserved to be a proper old fashioned flirt. — Cory Monteith
It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than trying to make the English laugh. — Malcolm Muggeridge
A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, big or small, young or old. He doesn't care if you're not smart, not popular, not a good joke-teller, not the best athlete, nor the best-looking person. To your dog, you are the greatest, the smartest, the nicest human being who was ever born. You are his friend and protector. — Louis Sabin
I think some of the best sex writing is going to come from the unexpected sources, not the same old same old. Like I'd love to see a memoir by a submissive man, because we've seen one from a professional submissive and dommes and strippers and hookers. I'd love to see more men writing frankly, not jokingly, about sex. — Rachel Kramer Bussel
An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives. — Christopher Hitchens
I've always been into leopard print. No joke, when I was 14 years old I wanted my entire room to be covered in it. — Kim Kardashian
There is an old joke about socialism as the synthesis of the highest achievements of the whole human history to date: from prehistoric societies it took primitivism; from the Ancient world it took slavery; from medieval society brutal domination; from capitalism exploitation; and from socialism the name. — Slavoj Žižek
There's an old joke that you know you're in heaven if the cooks are Italian and the engineering is German. If it's the other way around you're in hell. — David Byrne
Society is so tough and expectations are so unrealistic. Could I take better care of myself? Absolutely. I joke all the time that I'm old and I'm getting older and I feel it, so I guess I would rather talk about it with a smile and say, 'Oh God, I'm old!' than spend all my time at the dermatologist. I approach aging with ice cream and a martini. — Jenna Lyons
White people made up the n-word, they knew about racial jokes before anybody, and in their old movies and old cartoons they made fun of everybody, especially black folks. Racial jokes were not new to them. — Paul Mooney
I was always Armie. There couldn't be a 90-year-old Armand and a 9-day-old one. And I heard enough jokes about baking soda. — Armie Hammer
Words. I'm surrounding by thousands of words. Maybe millions...Deep within me, words pile up in huge drifts. Mountains of phrases and sentences and connected ideas. Clever expressions. Jokes. Love songs...I have never spoken one single word. I am almost eleven years old. — Sharon M. Draper
You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn't work, I've got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it's important to have backup. — Doug Benson
There's the old joke, "What's the difference between country and redneck? Well, that's three hundred dollars." — Larry the Cable Guy
Nigerians are everywhere. There's an old joke, particularly about the Ibos, that when you finally land on Mars, you're going to find a Nigerian there who has a shop that is selling Coca-Cola--who took a speculative trip 20 years ago and has been waiting for everyone else to arrive. — Chris Abani
I think repeating yourself is a sign of old age, telling the same joke again and again. Especially if they're jokes that don't make people laugh — Simon Le Bon
[When] you're dying laughing because your three-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn't matter what else is going on. That's real happiness. — Gwyneth Paltrow
You know that old joke about potheads having bad memories? Well, the bad memories are like pain, discomfort, and fear. So you lose all that, and the body reacts by healing faster and stronger. — Tommy Chong
The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?" — Jerry Seinfeld
Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidney. I'm so tired. But when you're having dinner with your kids and your husband and someone says something funny or you're dying laughing because your three-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn't matter what else is going on. That's real happiess. — Gwyneth Paltrow
In the old days talks would have made me angry. But now that I've come out, everyone knows the truth. That's like a protective shield against comments like that. Stupid remarks and jokes no longer hurt me, because I can stand by being gay. Nowadays I can even laugh at jokes about gays. Now I feel free, hungry and strong. — Orlando Cruz
I would have done well as a gypsy child, I think. A circus baby. I coulda played a great street urchin or ragamuffin. Or just been one. I certainly liked entertaining people and making jokes, but I don't know necessarily if that's what your child is prone to that you should necessarily put them in a real working industry at six years old. — Natasha Lyonne
Barack Obama is like the old joke about boats. The two best days of owning a boat are the day you buy it and the day you sell it. — Howie Carr
Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on! — Rick Riordan
To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. — Clara Ortega
The old idea that the joke was not good enough for the company has been superseded by the new aristocratic idea that the company was not worthy of the joke. They have introduced an almost insane individualism into that one form of intercourse which is specially and uproariously communal. They have made even levities into secrets. They have made laughter lonelier than tears. — G. K. Chesterton
You watch an old 'Jeopardy!' and the categories alone are very plain. 'Poetry,' or 'Movies,' or 'Physics.' If you watch it now, though, there'll be a theme board where the categories are all Hitchcock movies. Lots more jokes, lots more high-concept categories and questions. — Ken Jennings
In Conclusion
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