I'm a politician, and as you know, politicians are rarely very funny. — Nicola Sturgeon
I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them. — Bob Hope
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. — George Orwell
The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow. — H. G. Wells
Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' — Pat Paulsen
It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge. — John Oliver
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law? — Dick Clark
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. — Will Rogers
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible. — David Ogilvy
The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind. — H. P. Lovecraft
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. — Mark Twain
The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded. — George Orwell
Political Jokes Image Quotes
When words are both true and kind they can change the world.
Politics Funny Quotes
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. — Edward Abbey
A businessman cannot force you to buy his product; if he makes a mistake, he suffers the consequences; if he fails, he takes the loss. If bureaucrat makes a mistake, you suffer the consequences; if he fails, he passes the loss on to you. — Ayn Rand
You can change your wife, your politics, your religion, but never, never can you change your favourite football team. — Eric Cantona
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. — George Carlin
I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag. — Molly Ivins
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target — Ashleigh Brilliant
Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can.
I think the Republican party should be placed in drydock and have the barnacles scraped off its bottom. — Tallulah Bankhead
A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole. — Frank Zappa
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution. — Andy Borowitz
I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience. — Ronald Reagan
Political Humor Quotes
It is dangerous to be right in matters where established men are wrong. — Voltaire
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. — Mark Twain
Subversive, ethical, ecological, political, humorous ... this is how I see my duty as a designer. — Philippe Starck
Be the person your dog thinks you are.
Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures. — Robin Williams
Political correctness is tyranny with manners. — Charlton Heston
Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point. — Mark Twain
There is no such thing as public opinion. There is only published opinion.
I can see how it might be possible for a man to look down upon the earth and be an atheist, but I cannot conceive how a man could look up into the heavens and say there is no God. — Abraham Lincoln
I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children. — George W. Bush
This crusade, this war on terrorism is going to take a while. — George W. Bush
If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog. — Harry S. Truman
Funny Jokes Quotes
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! — Billy Connolly
Being broke is a joke, I never found it funny / That's why I count my blessings / As much as I count my money... — Fabolous
If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again. — Stan Laurel
Treat everyone with politeness and kindness, not because they are nice, but because you are.
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. — Mitch Hedberg
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. — Oscar Wilde
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh
The stronger you become, the gentler you will be.
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying. — Sayings
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. — Jack E. Leonard
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg. — Ricky Gervais
Bad Jokes Quotes
There is no bad time to laugh. I always joke, even five minutes before a game. It’s not bad to stay a little immature. — Kylian Mbappe
We didn't like to do the traditional prank show where we felt bad for people having jokes pulled on them. — Joe Gatto
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. — Joan Rivers
Being polite is so rare these days, thats its often confused with flirting.
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. — Sayings
I'm a diplomat by nature. I help find the middle ground. I crack a joke and use humour to help resolve potentially vicious situations quickly. It gets things in perspective and helps everyone to see that things aren't as bad as they seem. — Ronnie Wood
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh
Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you - not because they are nice, ut because you are.
When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show. — Jeff Dunham
The next best thing to a very good joke is a very bad one. — Julius Charles Hare
Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one? — George Bernard Shaw
A girl can tell I like her when I blush or start telling bad jokes. — Zac Efron
Old Jokes Quotes
There is an old joke that went around- it goes, in the beginning God made man in His own image, and since the fall, man has been seeking to return the compliment. — Alistair Begg
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. — George Burns
Death's an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew. — Ivan Turgenev
Kindness and politeness are not overrated at all. They're underused.
Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost. — Ken Dodd
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work. — Hy Gardner
Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation. — Jack Benny
Show me a man that gets rich by being a politician and I'll show you a crook.
You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave. — Dylan Brody
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. — Steven Wright
I'm pretty goofy and I make a lot of dumb jokes - life is too short to be serious, so I guess that's how I flirt. To be honest, I think I'm too shy and reserved to be a proper old fashioned flirt. — Cory Monteith
It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than trying to make the English laugh. — Malcolm Muggeridge
Dirty Jokes Quotes
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts. — Woody Allen
Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke. That's their natural and first weapon. She will need her sisterhood. — Gloria Steinem
Everyone seems to think I'm very ladylike. That I'm very cultured and intelligent. I drink alot of Diet Coke and belch. I've been known to use the F-word. I've told a few dirty jokes. I arm-wrestle. — Helena Bonham Carter
Politeness and courteousness are a small price to pay for the goodwill of others.
The government passed more laws to protect women from dirty jokes than to protect men from death by faulty rafters at a construction site. — Warren Farrell
Stay out of the gutter in your conversation. Foul talk defiles the man who speaks it... Don't swear. Don't profane. Avoid so-called dirty jokes. Stay away from conversation that is sprinkled with foul and filthy words. You will be happier if you do so, and your example will give strength to others. — Gordon B. Hinckley
The cheesecake was smooth and lush, with the personality of a warm and well-to-do uncle who knows a hundred dirty jokes and will die of sexual exertions in the arms of his mistress. — Don Delillo
I don't really know what is shocking. When you tell the story of a man who is beheaded, you have to show how they cut off his head. If you don't, it's like telling a dirty joke and leaving out the punch line. — Roman Polanski
Remember how I found you there alone in your electric chair, I told you dirty jokes until you smiled. — Billy Joel
It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too. — Bob Saget
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap — Red Skelton
Golf Jokes Quotes
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens. — Bob Hope
Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. — Gene Perret
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. — Confucius
Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off. — Bruce Lansky
Playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture. — Winston Churchill
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. — Henry Beard
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. — Brian Weiss
The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things. — John Updike
In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball. — Gene Perret
When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. — R. C. Sherriff
Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. — Jonathan Clements
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. — Herbert V. Prochnow
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and halfway closed there after. — James Dobson
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman
according to the old joke, married people are often like little boys bathing, who cry with chattering teeth to the boys on the shore, 'Do come in, it's so warm' - it is not always warm. — Dinah Maria Murlock Craik
Political Cartoons Quotes
That's the conundrum of cartoon stripping, as opposed to political cartoons. When your anger is the driving force of your drawing hand, failure follows. The anger is OK, but it has to serve the interests of the heart, frankly. — Berkeley Breathed
I was doing political cartoons and getting angry to the point where I felt I was going to have to start making and throwing bombs. I thought I was probably a better cartoonist than a bomb maker. — Terry Gilliam
I've been interested in cartooning all my life. I read the comics as a kid, and I did cartoons for high school publications - the newspaper and yearbook and soon. In college, I got interested in political cartooning and did political cartoons. — Bill Watterson
Freedom of speech trumps political correctness. I would say our magazine would publish an anti-Semitic or Holocaust denying cartoon if it meant Jews around the world were rioting because of it and burning embassies because of a cartoon. We would want to show our readers what all the fuss was about. — Ezra Levant
In a way, the political cartoon drawings are things that are small and have humor and a childhood aesthetic and are often stronger to spread an opinion. — Camille Henrot
The political cartoon, in a way, is one of the highest forms of expression about our times. I don't believe in dramatic statements when it comes to political critique. It doesn't communicate in a way that's subversive enough. — Camille Henrot
To keep doing this job [draw political cartoons] week after week, I think you have to want to change the world, while understanding that you can't. You have to hold both of those contradictory ideas simultaneously. — Tom Tomorrow
I don't think that what I'm doing [political cartooning] is necessarily left versus right. What I'm addressing is top versus bottom. If I'm not spending a lot of time making fun of the more extreme elements of the Green Party, it's because what I do is to critique power. — Tom Tomorrow
I wasn't having any luck getting accepted anyway and it forced me to re-examine what it was that I really wanted to do. In my experience in political cartooning, I was never one of those people who read the headlines and foams at the mouth with rabid opinion that I've just got to get down on paper. — Bill Watterson
I also do political cartoons, but a lot of them must stay, as they say, under the coat. But they are very fun to do, and in France, we have a good subject at the moment. — Karl Lagerfeld
Americans like to talk about (or be told about) Democracy but, when put to the test, usually find it to be an 'inconvenience.' We have opted instead for an authoritarian system disguised as a Democracy. We pay through the nose for an enormous joke-of-a-government, let it push us around, and then wonder how all those assholes got in there. — Frank Zappa
There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people...religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin! — Charles M. Schulz
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. — Jon Stewart
New opinions often appear first as jokes and fancies, then as blasphemies and treason, then as questions open to discussion, and finally as established truths. — George Bernard Shaw
In montage's original form as photomontage, it is capable of striking effects and on occasion it can even become a powerful political weapon. Such effects arise from its technique of juxtaposing heterogeneous, unrelated pieces of reality torn from their context. A good photomontage has the same effect as a good joke. — Gyorgy Lukacs
The why is what makes journalism an adult game. The why is what makes policy coherent and useful. The why is what transforms bureaucrats and foot soldiers and political leaders into viable instruments of rational and affirmative change. The why is everything and without it, the very suggestion of human progress becomes a cosmic joke. — David Simon
To me, racist jokes are not funny. I am politically correct, in a weird way. I like to push the boundaries that are politically correct. — John Waters
I understand what a normal political speech is. You get up there, tell a few jokes, you have the flags behind you, and you speak for 10 or 15 minutes in broad generalities. — Bernie Sanders
Reagan was an exceedingly likeable guy, just a heck of a nice fellow, despite his politics. He was funny and loved a good joke, the dirtier, I'm afraid the more ethnic, the better. I don't think he brought very much to the presidency, except charisma and success. — Walter Cronkite
To joke in the face of danger is the supreme politeness, a delicate refusal to cast oneself as a tragic hero. — Edmond Rostand
It's important to remember that life is a joke, and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don't think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time. — John Mulaney
Islam is the religion of peace. We say that jokingly. That's actually the position of the US government. It's rooted in political correctness and fear and a number of other convoluted things. — Rush Limbaugh
I think the essence of humor has not changed. It's all about surprise, facilitating follows. But the context of humor has changed. Previously, the jokes were more related to current issues, political. Today people make about each other either funny or about people like Kim Kardashian. It's brutal. Everything is so much vielschmutziger. — Bette Midler
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat! If we ever pass out as a great nation we ought to put on our tombstone 'America died from a delusion that she had moral leadership.' — Will Rogers
I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected. — Jon Stewart
Many of the political jokes that circulated in the Third Reich were directed at Goering. He collected them [all] in a large leather notebook and delighted in re-telling most of them to his friends. — Richard Overy
In polite society one laughs at all the jokes, including the ones one has heard before. — Frank Dane
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. — Henry Cate
If American politics does not look to you like a joke, a tragic dance; if you have enough blindness left in you, on any plea, on any excuse, to vote for the Democratic Party or the Republican Party (for at present machine and party are one), or for any candidate who does not stand for a new era, -- then you yourself pass into the slide of the magic-lantern; you are an exhibit, a quaint product, a curiosity of the American soil. You are part of the problem. — John Jay Chapman
In Japan, you have no idea what they are saying, and they can't help you either. Nothing makes any sense. They're very polite, but you feel like a joke is being played on you the entire time you're there. — Bill Murray
It would be really hard to get serious about anything political today unless it was a joke. — Carla Bley
According to liberals, you can't joke, there's no lighthearted banter. One cannot engage in any kind of traditional stereotypical humor because leftists cannot laugh at themselves. As I say, there's not much laughter in liberalism anyway. And they have all of these politically correct barriers up here. — Rush Limbaugh
I do suppose what any political satire, what any political joke can count as a gaffe or a possible career-ending move. It changes what counts. I don’t know, I do feel like day to day even though Trump is so terrible and ridiculous, day to day we still laugh at Jason Chaffetz and we still laugh at Ted Cruz and we still laugh at those guys, at just how bad they are at their jobs. — Timothy Simons
I think you can be politically incorrect, but there's some responsibility with that. You've got to make sure that you are not condoning or bolstering any racial or other stereotypes. You've got to be free to make jokes, but just make sure...you don't want to go and black face somewhere to just prove a point. If it's insulting and offensive just for the sake of it that's problematic. — Sacha Baron Cohen
Star Wars film is breaking all previous box office records. (Why might we want to revisit those characters, that narrative, those jokes and tropes again, in this way, right now? I wonder what it will turn out to reveal about the economics and politics of this moment.) — Laura Mullen
I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old. — Gilbert Gottfried
I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show. — Anthony Jeselnik
We associate the North Atlantic with cod. The motto of Newfoundland used to be 'In cod we trust.' It was a joke, but it was essentially true. But there is no cod anymore. And that's extraordinary. It's all because of either greed or politics - Canadian politics. — Simon Winchester
Some comedians are silly or goofy or straight joke writers who avoid anything subversive or political. Others are drawn to it. The beauty of standup is there is room for everyone, and years of performing in front of crowds will dictate what you can or can't do. — Ted Alexandro
There's always a source for humor [in politics]. If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny. So it sort of selects itself. It has to. And plus, often something that wouldn't be funny at the time is okay to make jokes about later. — Calvin Trillin
I just think everyone knows you go on those [political satire] shows if you're a politician to, "humanize yourself" - to show, "Hey, I can take a joke." Well, why should satire be in the service of humanizing these people who are supposed to be the target of our venom and vitriol? I think that's unseemly. — Harry Shearer
There was a time when "sound as a dollar" was a description, not a joke. — Ronald Reagan
He [Reagan] likes to tell jokes and that's why he told the ethnic joke that got him into some trouble. Perhaps if reporters didn't overreact to a politician's telling the very same joke they routinely hear and tell in the city room, we'd get more humor. — Robert Scheer
It`s the nature of cable news that we [TV hosts] do a lot of clipping and quoting of other broadcasts and outlets, sometimes to make a narrative point, sometimes to make a political one, and sometimes just to make a joke. — Chris Hayes
Never upstage a man. Don't top his joke, even if you have to bite your tongue to keep from doing it. Never launch loudly into your own opinions on a subject - whether it's petunias or politics. Instead, draw out his ideas to which you can gracefully add your footnotes from time to time. — Arlene Dahl
No matter where they are or who they're with, dogs are incapable of being anything but themselves. Show me a dog that puts on airs or laughs politely at an unfunny joke and I'll show you a human in a dog costume, possibly one owned and licensed by the Walt Disney Company. — Meghan Daum
It's so funny that people think I actually ran for President. I am maybe the most un-political person you're ever going to meet. When I put "Elected" out, it was definitely a satire... "Alice Cooper for President"... when everybody realized I was running against Nixon, you known, even on a joke level, I think I got a lot of write-in votes. — Alice Cooper
When my husband had an affair with someone else I watched his eyes glaze over when we ate dinner together and I heard him singing to himself without me, and when he tended the garden it was not for me. He was courteous and polite; he enjoyed being at home, but in the fantasy of his home I was not the one who sat opposite him and laughed at his jokes. He didn't want to change anything; he liked his life. The only thing he wanted to change was me. — Jeanette Winterson
I'm very wary of doing political stuff for a lot of reasons. One of the big ones is that the shelf-life for them is not very long, and the joke becomes old news very quickly. — Tim Heidecker
And the thing about my jokes is, they don't hurt anybody. You can take 'em or leave 'em - you can say they're funny or they're terrible or they're good, or whatever, but you can just pass 'em by. But with Congress, every time they make a joke, it's a law! And every time they make a law, it's a joke! — Will Rogers
We cuss Congress, and we joke about 'em, but they are all good fellows at heart, and if they wasn't in Congress, why, they would be doing something else against us that might be even worse. — Will Rogers
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