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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. Kevin James

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works. Steve Jobs

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. Jerry Lewis

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. P. J. O'Rourke

What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. Jane Wagner

Authors with quotes about funny
Don Rickles
Joan Rivers
Jerry Seinfeld
Spike Milligan

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